Do you find yourself arguing with your partner over parenting, money, work or other day-to-day kerfuffles?
You might find yourself thinking, “Why doesn’t he get it!”
Maybe you’ve even started doubting your relationship. After all, if you really loved each other, you would see eye to eye, right?
No!
You are experiencing a predictable relationship dynamic that Paul and I call The Accidental Alignment Predicament™.
The good news is, it’s easy to identify and if you’re willing to put in the work, simple to fix.
The Accidental Alignment Predicament
It’s super common. We fall in love, we start building a life, and we have this “Invisible Assumption” that we’re going to “see things the same way.”
We think, “We fell in love, so we’re going to see parenting the same way” (don’t laugh too hard). Honestly, before we have kids, it usually doesn’t occur to us that we won’t. Then one day, something flies out of our partner’s mouth to one of our kids and we FLIP out and yell, “Don’t talk to Johnny that way, you’ll scar him for life!”
What you’re experiencing is the Accidental Alignment Predicament—you think you’re going to see things the same way…right up until you don’t.
So, what do most of us do?
We go into the “My Way” vs “Your Way” mode, trying to do it the way we think is right.
Often people come to me and say “Stacey, I really want my husband and I to get on the same page in our parenting (or money or anything), can you help me?”
That’s really code for, “I want to get his ass on my page.”
Now, you can laugh! We do this ALL the time, right?
WHY do we do this?
That’s an excellent question.
After helping thousands of people, I can confidently tell you a few things:
- It’s NOT because you picked wrong.
- It’s NOT because you are too different.
- It’s NOT because they are stubborn or you are stubborn.
- It’s NOT because of any of the bullshit that we are told.
The REASON we fall into the “My Way” vs “Your Way” trap is because we never learned the SKILL SET to collaborate in a marriage.
Think back to 50 years ago. Did a woman need to ask her husband for alignment on how to raise children? Did a man need to ask his wife for alignment on what he should do about his work or the money? No!
Until a few decades ago, spouses did not need to ALIGN with each other. It was more of a “what I say goes” kind of world.
That’s all that’s been modeled to us.
But now, it’s not that way. We all have dreams for our family! We all want to weigh in. There are now TWO people in a marriage who both want to be the one who says “MY WAY.”
No one ever taught us how to collaborate in marriage. We were just taught to COMPROMISE (this time YOU get Your Way and next time your spouse gets His Way).
That’s still a “My Way” vs “Your Way” model. It’s still Demand Relationship™. It still leaves us with kerfuffles when we don’t want to compromise.
For instance, one of you wants to be a disciplinarian with your kids and the other one wants to take a more gentle approach. Now what? No one wants to compromise and it starts to feel like there’s just no solution.
There is absolutely a solution. It’s just a skill set that was never taught.
Marriage, family, households…we need to design alignment in all of these areas through collaboration.
Intentional Alignment
Alignment doesn’t just happen. It doesn’t matter how great your relationship is—you have to deliberately design alignment.
We all have expectations for our partners. But if you don’t talk about them or give your partner a chance to contribute, it WILL lead to conflict.
This happens a lot with stay-at-home parents. You decide together that one of you needs to stay home with the baby. But what you don’t create alignment about is how that’s actually going to work.
The partner who stays at home wants the working partner to come home and help with the baby, while the working partner views that as the stay-at-home parent’s job.
It’s not that either person is “right.” The problem is that they never aligned their expectations. They have no way of seeing the other person’s perspective until it starts to play itself out.
Convincing Versus Collaborating
Here’s the problem with convincing…it’s about YOU wanting to win (and if you’re winning and your partner is losing, ultimately EVERYONE is going to lose).
But when you COLLABORATE, you come together with your different perspectives and truly listen to each other. Everyone wins. You create an outcome that was greater than what either of you envisioned by yourself!
When you face conflict with your partner, there are two major false beliefs that make it hard to let go.
The first is the belief that ‘your way” is the only right way and that everyone should see it that way. That is simply untrue. There are a million ways to get to “happy.”
Here’s the truth: “your way” is largely rooted in a WANT that you have because you think it will make you happy.
You want to be more gentle in your parenting because you have a FEAR around the way your partner disciplines them. You push “Your Way” to protect you from that fear.
You want everyone to eat dinner at the table because that means that you are building connections and being a good mom. You push “Your Way” to feel like a better parent.
I know this can be a BIG idea to take in, but all of your “My Ways” are tied to YOUR blueprint, your wants, your beliefs.
But you’re not in a family of ONE—you’re in a family of many.
Stop trying to use others to quell your fears and give you happiness. COLLABORATE with your spouse on what is best for your WHOLE FAMILY.
The second is the belief that if someone doesn’t see it your way they don’t support you. You blame them for not being on the “same page” as you.
The truth is that you both bring gifts to the relationship and your family. It’s a good thing that you are different!
Creating OUR Way
Alignment is a skill, and it can be learned.
If you’re ready to stop struggling to convince your partner to change, and you’re ready to collaborate to design alignment, we can teach you the skills & tools to do it.
Once you have those tools, you’ll be able to:
- Notice your Accidental Alignment Predicaments
- Prioritize them to find the most important topic to align on
- Take action to get to a WIN/WIN on that topic
- Catch yourself BEFORE you fall back into old patterns
Join our next 14-Day Boost for Your Relationship program to get started!
It’s time to take charge. You CAN solve the Accidental Alignment Predicament and break the chains of Demand Relationship for your family’s legacy!
