Ever had the experience of trying to have a calm conversation with your child, feeling so frustrated that you couldn’t just remain patient..
Only to have a perfectly logical explanation for why you two ended up in an argument? It’s an interesting feeling, yes?
There’s definitely relief that there’s an explanation for your inability to stay cool, mixed with feelings of frustration at yourself for not having better control of your emotions (and if you’re like me, maybe some remorse for secretly blaming your child for being the irrational one.)
Communication Must Have
It’s so obvious. And Simple.
It’s hiding in plain sight and it has the capacity to turn what now is “impossible” for you to imagine into something that is so easy for you to receive.
It has the capacity to stretch your beliefs about the type of connection you can have with your child and make it happen easier than anything else you’ve ever experienced.
And it can change the results in your child’s health while making your life easier!
It’s the ability to remain curious rather than judgmental with your child.
Think about it, no one likes to feel judged. In fact, when you feel judged the automatic response is to go into a defensive position.
It feels like an attack.
We don’t mean to attack our kids, and yet when we have a conversation and judge them that is exactly what they feel.
Curiosity Changes Relationships
It is essential to come from a place of curiosity when you are looking to support and understand your child. This is not to say you have to agree with them. Rather be curious to discover why they have the feelings and conclusions they have.
Many times your child will have different conclusions than you. However, the feelings and needs they have will always be things you can relate to.
When my daughter Avery was repeatedly asking about putting out Halloween decorations I noticed that I was getting irritated and was about to lose my patience.
In that moment I was able to pause and wonder why she was so concerned about some fake pumpkins. I realized this was something she was really excited about and I know what it feels like to be excited!
It’s hard to wait, especially if the length of time you have to wait is unclear. In that moment, I said “it sounds like you’re really excited to set up the decorations. What works better for you, to do it this weekend or tomorrow after school?”
Immediately she jumped at the chance to do it tomorrow and didn’t feel the need to add any more requests for doing it immediately.
Both of us felt happy and it was an enjoyable conversation. Compare that to a time when I wasn’t able to remain curious and Taylor wanted me to help her go upstairs and get her dressed before school.
In this moment I was focused on getting everyone out the door, (we were already running late), and I couldn’t pause to wonder why she wanted my help when she normally gets dressed on her own.
Of course a battle ensued, and both of us felt even worse after.
If I had the capacity to wonder why she wanted my help, it was probably because she was feeling my stress and just wanted reassurance that everything was going to be ok.
So, how do we remain curious in our conversations with kids? It starts with the awareness that…
Willpower is Not On Will Call
In the book The One Thing; The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results, by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan they take the mystery out of will power.
Many people think will power is something you either have or you don’t. Each person has a certain ability to resist temptation, or hold strong and stick with a certain behavior.
If you apply this belief to curiosity, than you would conclude some people are better able to remain patient and curious with their kids and others don’t have enough will power to do it on a regular basis.
The truth is will power is like a battery. Just like your cell phone starts off the day with a full charge after it’s been plugged in, you have a full charge after adequate self-care.
It’s easy to start off the day eating a healthy breakfast and forgo the mid-morning snack. But by the end of the day you’re reaching for a glass of wine and the box of cookies.
This isn’t because you’re weak, or not diligent enough, it’s simply a matter of biology!
Choosing to resist something that you associate with pleasure or to act on something you associate with pain requires a lot of will power. Your brain needs fuel to do it!
The ability to remain curious when you’re talking with your child takes will power. You NEED to have a charged battery.
Curiosity is an expanding, or growing, energy. When a person is curious there is a potential to learn something new. A new perspective, new information, etc.
Learning takes energy.
Self-Care is the Game Changer for Your Child’s Health
When you make it a priority to take care of yourself, you have the ability to live every day with a fully charged battery.
And when your will power battery is full you are able to be curious and patient with your child.
Imagine, if you never had blow-ups.
What would life be like if you simply wondered why your child felt the way they did? It’s a lot easier to discover what’s most supportive when you fully understand the other person’s feelings and needs.
Some self-care habits that have helped me are:
- 10 minute morning meditation
- 10 minute afternoon break to lay in bed and close my eyes
- Call a close friend I haven’t talked to in a while
- Tell someone in my life why I appreciate them
- 10 minute yoga sun salutations before school pickup
- Reading before bed to unwind and get a full night’s sleep
- Walk the dog
- Listen to motivational talk or audio book
- Journaling
Here’s the deal….
A lack of priority for yourself you feel on the inside will always be reflected back to you on the outside.
Considering parents have the largest influence on their kids, I’m certain this is not the type of example you want to teach your child.
This is not something you can “kinda sorta” agree with.
If you think….sure, I ‘kinda sorta’ think I should make time for self-care, then I can already tell you what the outcome of that decision will be…
….probably not the outcome you want.
It’s the CONVICTION and COMMITMENT to follow through on your decision to prioritize self-care because you recognize the value it has for everyone in your family.
