Reasons to Break Up
First and foremost, you are allowed to break up with anyone for any reason. You do not need special permission. I have heard many people say they avoided breaking off a relationship because they feared being lonely or wanted to avoid hurting someone. These are perhaps the worst reasons to not break up.
Here are some reasons why breaking off your current relationship is a smart decision:
You are unhappy or distressed and attribute this emotional state to the relationship. If you are in a constant state of sadness and despair, you should listen to these feelings. Some people describe feeling lonelier in a disconnected relationship than when they are truly alone. Another common feeling that people mention is that they are on a perpetual roller coaster when it comes to the relationship. Emotions like these, along with your gut feelings, should guide your decision about whether to end it. Make it about you and your thoughts and feelings, not about someone else’s.
The bad outweighs the good. This part can trip you up. There are, for sure, good times. And you will cling to these good times as both a reminder and evidence of his love and care. However, this isn’t sensible. Many people make this erroneous justification in their minds. The bad should be minimal and should only be “normal bad.” Examples of “normal bad” include arguing over what movie to see, the shoes that were left out to trip on, or whose turn it is to take out the dog. Not abuse bad. Not serial cheating bad. Not married to someone else bad. And certainly not emotionally unavailable bad!
You have lost trust. If you have lost trust, your relationship has developed a cracked foundation. The foundation can be repaired with intentional effort on the part of the person who betrayed your trust. Without this, a cloud of suspicion will hang over the relationship and will not disperse.
What to Say and Do
After you have made the decision to end the relationship, avoid doing it during certain circumstances. You should not have the breakup conversation if your partner is midcrisis — for example, if he has just experienced a death in the family or was diagnosed with an illness. Don’t derail your plan indefinitely, but let some time pass before having the talk.
Do not break up with someone in the middle of a fight, either, as appealing as this may seem to be. I have heard of people who purposely wait for a conflict to do it, and that’s a poor strategy. It does take more courage to wait until a calmer moment, but doing so will bring integrity to the process. It will be better for you, both now and in the future, to do it the right way, even though this person may not deserve it.
Don’t let the breakup discussion come out of left field. You should prepare your partner for the conversation beforehand by making sure you have the time and place to do it. Begin the conversation gently by saying, “I would like to talk to you about something,” or something similar. If you need to send a text or email in advance to secure the time and place, that is fine. And it is acceptable to indicate that you need to have a serious conversation.
Make the reasons more about you, and use a lot of “I” statements. In sticking with generalities, you can make statements like these:
- “I am not certain I see a future with us.”
- “I need someone I feel I am more on the same page with.”
- “I don’t feel like we are compatible.”
- “It’s not going to work for me to wait around any longer for you to commit to me.”
Seek Support
One of the toughest times for you will be right after you break up. It is helpful to spend as much time as possible with supportive friends and family after a split. Don’t be bashful about reaching out to others and talking about what’s going on. A therapist can also help you immensely as you process and reflect upon what has happened and can keep you focused on the future. Alone time is good as well, but you may be more at risk of going back to the relationship if you spend too much time alone.
At this point it will be helpful to make a plan for coping with the complicated and painful feelings that come with a breakup. The painful feelings make it easy to slide back into the relationship, repeatedly. Above all, you will want to learn how to choose wisely so that you can enjoy the secure, loving, and trusting relationship you and a partner are both worthy of and entitled to.
Copyright ©2019 by Marni Feuerman. Excerpted from the book Ghosted and Breadcrumbed. Printed with permission from New World Library — www.newworldlibrary.com.
