“Amy no matter what you do, not everyone is going to like you.”
My mom used to tell me this. And even though it was, well, kind of bad news, I found it oddly comforting.
Nowadays I share a variation of it with my own clients. I call it the One-Thirds Rule of Tribes. My math might not be 100 percent accurate but it goes something like this.
There will always be a third of people out there who, no matter what you do, will never really like you. I call them The Haters.
Then there will always be another third who, no matter what you do, will always take you or leave you. I call them The Neutrals.
And last but not least, there will always be a third who will love YOU. They will find you fascinating and won’t be able to get enough.
This final third is YOUR tribe.
We live for tribes, to feel that sense of connection and belonging. Feeling “part of” is part of our biological blueprint.
The area of the brain that registers physical pain processes social pain the same way. In other words, fitting in is such a powerful drive that it physically hurts to be left out.
The problem is that most of try to get our need for belonging met by trying to be ALL things to ALL people. We scramble to win over The Haters and get The Neutrals to pay attention.
I used to obsess over my looks because I thought my mom wanted me to be pretty. I collected degrees, credentials, rewards… any kind of gold star because I wanted to prove I was smart. I used to drink too much at parties so people would think I was funny.
I thought if I looked good, if I dressed right, if I had the degrees, the awards, the guy, the house, the kids, I would be okay. People would gaze adoringly as I passed by. They’d whisper, “That’s Amy Pearson. Did you know she eliminated hunger in Oregon? How does she do all that and stay so thin…?!”
But it wasn’t really me.
We hide our true selves in order to win over a group of people who will never really like us or appreciate us. We change so dramatically from Who We Really are that we alienate our tribe. We become unrecognizable to them.
The real me wanted to dance. She wanted to laugh so hard it made her cry. She didn’t want to be a policy wonk, she wanted to watch reality TV, learn astrology and go surfing in Hawaii.
And the tragedy is that we reject ourselves to win over a group of people who will never get us.
We reject ourselves and settle for a “false sense of belonging” when we change who we are to win over the haters and the neutrals. And in the process we become unrecognizable to our tribe.
These days I’m not trying to be somebody I’m not. I write, coach and teach over at LiveBrazen.com. Thousands have taken my program on Approval Addiction. And, most importantly, I have found my tribe by being me, uncensored, no apologies.
The truth is that Who You Are underneath that façade of likability, perfection and competence is fascinating. Not everyone will agree. But you will be absolutely magnetic to your tribe. I promise.
You just need to give them a chance to see you.
