Recently, one of our Relationship Development students, Melissa, posted this question to me and our support team. I asked if I could share her question so we can all learn from this and she HAPPILY agreed!
“I’m looking for feedback on how to navigate a situation where my husband does something I don’t agree with in front of the kids.
This morning we all came upstairs. I was going to shower, change the kids and take them grocery shopping to give my husband some time to himself.
We had just talked about this and I said I wanted to hit the store before it got too crowded.
I’m changing my two-and-a-half years-old son and my husband asks him if he wants to convert his crib to a bed, and my son says ‘yes’.
I was dumbfounded. We’d talked about it but put it off. He mentioned it earlier in the weekend. I guess that was my clue and would have been my chance to speak up, but I didn’t think he was going to do it so quickly!
So, my husband starts pulling the crib apart. I’m frustrated, but I didn’t want to undermine him in front of the kids. [Notice the great progress Melissa has already made in creating a rock–solid relationship with her husband.]
I thought it would be a good idea to make sure our son was prepared for such a big change.
I hung around while he was working instead of showering to keep the kids out of the way. I was annoyed but managed to keep it under wraps and I was trying to honestly understand my husband’s actions.
After the project was done, I asked my husband what his plans were for the day because it wasn’t happening the way I thought and I wanted to get on the same page. I believe I said this from a place of heartfelt understanding. He indicated he hadn’t come upstairs with the intent to lower the crib, but that it was overdue.
So, my first question is, “Should I have taken a stronger stance in front of the kids? I wasn’t trying to avoid the topic but didn’t want to have an argument. I’m proud for keeping calm despite being frustrated and annoyed.”
And my second question is, “How can I do better next time? What should I do when I disagree but the train has left the station and the kids are involved?
My Response to Melissa….
The sections in the colored font are a few notes to YOU, the reader, to explain a few of the tools and strategies I shared with Melissa.
“Hey Melissa! This is a great opportunity to put your tools into practice! I’m really celebrating you! You did NOT do what most people do which usually is using indirect negativity to “let your man know you’re unhappy.”
Here are some next level relationship tools for you.
There is a LOT of expectation you carry for how to navigate your days with your responsibilities and your husband.
There is Accidental Alignment Predicament happening here.
[Accidental Alignment Predicament is when you fall in love and start living your life with your partner, and you assume that you are going to align on the big things because you are married, but you don’t. You will NOT accidentally align with your spouse just because you fell in love. Those moments where you EXPERIENCE that lack of alignment are usually because there was an “assumed” alignment, but it was never actually created.
Have more conversations OUTSIDE the moment about how you can DESIGN your days to be more transparent about your schedule, plans, etc.
YOU understand that “let’s go change diapers so I can get the kids to the store before the rush” means – My plan is to go change diapers, and then I’m leaving for the store.
That’s not what you said…
Women speak in implied communication and men only understand DIRECT communication (without training). [Write that down!]
Also, men have single focus.
I’m betting that while you were SAYING your plan, there were other things going on in that moment – and he was focused elsewhere.
If your husband KNEW clearly that you need to leave for the store in NO MORE THAN 11 minutes from now – you would have been out that door in less than 11 minutes.
It can be tough for women to learn how to do this… but it goes like this…
In a VERY playful energy, say something like…
“Babe, I would love your help getting me out this door, with both kids, in no more than 11 minutes. Would you come upstairs with me and help me get out this door?”
Now my husband would respond with …
“Challenge Accepted… and do I get an extra cookie if I do it in 9?”
To which of course, I respond with a YES!
Let’s address what happens for your husband when he goes upstairs and he sees the BED –which is on his TO DO LIST.
Men have ONE operating system – get shit done. And if he feels like HE can knock this one off his list right now – then he’s going to do it.
Stay with me….
This is where MOST women start judging about how INSENSITIVE and SELFISH it is when men do this.
MEN DO NOT NEED ANYONE ELSE’S PERMISSION IN LIFE!
Until you get this – you will keep suffering.
So, read that again: Men do not need anyone else’s permission in life. Their brains are wired to take action.
Women are the opposite. We need other people’s permission – or we need to get their opinion – or we need to make sure that we are being considerate – etc.
Here’s the KERFUFFLE!
Men THINK that women don’t need anyone else’s permission – and they treat you that way. [This is really huge]
So when he starts working on the bed, he ASSUMES that you are going to continue to do whatever YOU NEED TO DO—without needing his permission.
It’s totally off his radar that you are standing around because of HIM. Men don’t DO THAT – so they have NO IDEA you are doing that.
Men do what they want.
You can be SELFISH or JEALOUS and judge them…
Or you can accept that when they are in the mature masculine, this fantastic trait serves women.
Most mature women see it as “CONFIDENCE” and appreciate it.
So, instead of continuing to see this situation through the lens of what he did/said/didn’t do as if he were another woman, behaving badly, see him as the man that he is.
After that, I taught Melissa the difference between “Inside the Moment” strategies and “Outside the moment” strategies for creating alignment.
And, I also taught her 3 quick tools to use to create alignment right in the moment, when you disagree but still want a united front and rock-solid relationship!
I loved this question so much because it gave us yet another opportunity to show how you CAN navigate a moment DIFFERENTLY to create alignment and build your relationship up… even when you disagree with your partner!
This is real life!
If you want more tools & strategies like this so you can be empowered to create the love and passion that you want…
Join me for our upcoming 2-hour, content-packed LIVE web class next Wednesday at 1:00 pm!
This class is FREE! But you MUST register in advance and we will fill up!
Register Here: RelationshipBreakthroughSecrets.com
I’ll see you on the live class!
Sending love,
Stacey
