Transforming Your Relationship: How to Forgive and Start Anew in Your Relationship

Relationship, TransformationIf you’ve been following along in this 6-part Transforming Your Relationship blog series covering our 8-Step Relationship Transformation System, at this point, you’ve created a vision for your relationship, you’ve had a perspective shift so you actually SEE the dynamics in your relationship differently than you have before,  you’ve used tools and strategies that work to shift yourself and create a change with your partner, you learned how to become a team and create a rock-solid relationship –where nothing and nobody and come between you, and today I’m going to share Step 5, which is “Start Anew”.

Starting Anew is about wiping the slate clean, releasing all hurts, betrayals, pain, and things not yet forgiven.  By definition, when there are things that have come between you, it creates separateness and distance. You can’t get to a place of intimacy and unshakable love if there are things driving you apart and un-forgiveness is one of the biggest things I see destroying relationships today! 

That’s why Step 5 is Start Anew. 

Over the years Paul and I have developed a 5-Step Forgiveness Process™, which has helped thousands of students find freedom from the past! I hope one day, you will give yourself the gift of experiencing our entire 5 step process!

Today, I’m going to share three key pieces with you so you can begin to release any past hurts or betrayals, start anew in your relationship, and create your unshakable love! 

Whether you need to forgive yourself, your partner, an ex, or anyone else in your life, this process works! It’s time to wipe the slate clean and start anew. You deserve this freedom!!!

It’s time to understand what forgiveness really is.

Whenever I tell my students that anything can be forgiven, many are skeptical and some are downright unwilling, “Stacey, I can’t let that go – you have no idea what they did to me!”

And I get it – some people have been through really horrific, traumatic experiences. Please understand I’m not making light of that at all!!

Very often, this resistance to forgive comes from a misunderstanding of what forgiveness really is.

The First Obstacle to Forgiveness

What IS forgiveness?

Years ago I was listening to Oprah talk about forgiveness and she shared a definition that blew me away!! It totally changed my perspective on forgiveness and empowered me in a whole new way!  Today, I’m going to pay that gift forward by sharing it with you. The true definition of forgiveness is:

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different than it actually was.”  ~ Oprah Winfrey

Too many people suffer because they believe that forgiveness means saying what the other person did to them is fine; as if they’re saying, “Oh, yeah…that thing that you did? It’s ok.”

That’s NOT what forgiveness is!

Forgiveness is simply giving up the HOPE that the past could have been any different than it was. 

Many people obsess over thoughts like, “They could have…. They should have…If only they did _____, …then they wouldn’t have hurt me and I wouldn’t still be suffering!” 

The problem is, we cannot go back and change the past.

None of us can. We are powerless to change what has already happened. It’s over and done.

We have no CHOICE to go back and re-do what happened.

However, we do have a CHOICE to release our insistence that the past SHOULD have been different. We can instead ACCEPT that the past could not have been any different than it actually was.

Your Two Choices:

1 – Hold onto your insistence/hope that the past should have been different and stay STUCK in that forever.

2 – Accept that the past could not be any different than it actually was and begin to get unstuck.

The power of FORGIVENESS is an amazing thing!

The Second Obstacle to Forgiveness

Often times, once someone accepts the fact that the past could not have been different, the next obstacle to overcome is the second misunderstanding about how forgiveness happens.

Forgiveness doesn’t happen BETWEEN two people. Forgiveness only happens within you!

The moment you decide to give up the HOPE that the past could have been any different than it actually was, you are FREE!

Many people get stuck by the FALSE belief that to forgive, you need to go to the other person and express “I forgive you”.

You can do that, but that is not forgiveness, that is AMENDS.

Amends, happens between two people. Forgiveness only happens within YOU.

All you must do to experience forgiveness and be free is to give up the hope that the past could have been any different than it actually was. Breathe. And be free.

The Third Obstacle to Forgiveness

So, by now, if you are willing to give up the hope that the past could have been any different than it actually was, and you recognize that forgiveness only happens within yourself, you may be considering embracing forgiveness in this moment…BUT, where would be the JUSTICE in that?!

Which brings us to obstacle number three. The false belief that holding onto UNforgiveness creates JUSTICE.

Unforgiveness doesn’t create justice… ever.

That’s just not how justice works. The Universe delivers justice through the law of cause and effect, the most powerful law of the Universe.

No one escapes the law of cause and effect. NO ONE.

It may appear to you, at times, like someone “got away with it”. But they did not get away with anything. The “boomerang effect” of every negative action is an equal negative re-action.

You may not SEE this negative ramification present in their life. That does not mean they are not suffering. Very often, the damage is happening behind closed doors. Pain you will never see. But it is there, I assure you.

Not caused by you. Caused by THEM. Through their own action, they have brought pain and suffering onto themselves, through the power of cause and effect.

It happens without you.

You do not get to participate in someone else’s JUSTICE. That is between the Universe and them.

Holding onto UNforgiveness does not enact justice on anyone.

Unforgiveness only stays within you. Causing pain and suffering for you, and you alone.

At any time, you may choose forgiveness, release this suffering, allow the Universe to enact justice in ways you may never see, and be free!

Now, I’m not saying that those three pieces are enough to forgive anything you are navigating. After all, we have a 5 Step Forgiveness Process for a reason. There is more work to be done.

But for a lot of things in life, these two KEY pieces ARE enough for you to forgive, get unstuck and be free!

For the situations in your life that you need deeper Forgiveness work around, I hope you will give yourself the gift of experiencing our full 5 Step Forgiveness Process, in one of our live events or online programs!

In my next column, we will move into the Passion Steps of our 8 Step Relationship Transformation System, as we talk about the spark between Masculine and Feminine energy!

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Stacey Martino About Stacey Martino

Stacey Martino believes that it only takes ONE partner to transform a relationship…ANY relationship! She is passionate about helping people create their unshakable love and unleashed passion!

Stacey, and her husband Paul, are the founders of RelationshipDevelopment.org and creators of RelationshipU®. Relationship Development® is personal development for your relationship. Today, through their strategic coaching, online programs and packed live events, Stacey and Paul have helped tens of thousands of people around the world to transform their love relationship! And as a happy bonus, you get to apply the same strategies to improve all your relationships.

Trained and certified by Tony Robbins, Stacey is a certified marriage educator and divorce preventionist. As an international best-selling author, Stacey is a sought-after relationship expert, passionate and engaging speaker and media guest and is the Relationship Expert for Aspire Magazine. Download Stacey’s free book "It Does Not Take Two to Tango: How One Partner Can Transform Any Relationship in 8 Simple Steps at www.RelationshipDevelopment.org