Transform Your Habit of Self-Neglect into a Practice of Self-Nurturing

How many times have you found yourself on the bottom of your “to do” list, never quite finding the time to take care of you? How often do you prioritize others over yourself leaving you feeling chronically overwhelmed and exhausted? How aware are you when you have given more than you have to give?

Although most of us know that it is impossible to give from an empty cup, many of us operate from this deficit model. We have learned from our families and the wider culture a habit of self-neglect, which is often reinforced by our belief that we need to take care of others in order to have value or worth. We may believe it is our responsibility to make everyone in our lives happy and when we inevitably fail, we think this means that there is something wrong with us. Instead of recognizing how unrealistic our expectations are, we use our failure to reinforce our need to do more, to be more, and to give more.

Thorough the lens of self-neglect, it is not surprising that taking time to nurture ourselves can appear selfish and invoke feelings of guilt and shame. The more guilt and shame we feel, the more our habit of self-neglect is reinforced. This negative cycle highlights our fear that there is something wrong with us, when in reality the paradigm is broken.

So how do we transform our habit of self-neglect into a practice of self-nurturing?

Well to begin, we have to be willing to stretch outside our comfort zones. After neglecting ourselves for so long, changing this habit may feel uncomfortable at first and will require increased self-awareness and self-compassion. Unfortunately one of the consequences of on-going self-neglect is feeling chronically stressed, which leads to illness, problems in our relationships, and a disconnection from ourselves. Over time we lose track of how we feel, what we need and what brings us joy.

Bringing more awareness to ourselves then becomes essential in the process of reconnecting with ourselves. We can begin this process by bringing a spirit of curiosity and nonjudgment to how we are feeling and noticing what we need throughout the day. Making nurturing choices requires that we tune into how we feel and what we need and make decisions based on that information.

When I first started leading self-nurturing workshops many years ago, a mother of two small children shared that she regularly put off her need to go to the bathroom in order to care for her children. She recognized how prioritizing her children’s needs over her own basic needs left her feeling stressed and sometimes resentful. When she made a commitment to use the bathroom when she needed to, her intention to include her needs and feelings in her choices transformed her life. Not only did she transform her feeling of overwhelm and habit of self-neglect, but she discovered that even the basic act of using the bathroom could create ripple effects of self-nurturing in her life.

What I love about a practice of self-nurturing is that it allows us to cultivate an authentic and loving relationship with ourselves. I differentiate self-nurturing from self-care for this reason. Self-care is what you do for yourself, but self-nurturing is the relationship you have with yourself. How we treat ourselves ends up influencing all our other relationships and the quality of our lives. When we operate from a pattern of self-neglect, we can never truly know ourselves, speak our truth or live a meaningful life. When we don’t include our feelings and needs in our decision making, we neglect the fundamental truth of who we are and limit our true potential.

So how do we develop a loving relationship with ourselves?

Let’s begin by looking at how we nourish, cherish and encourage our growth and potential. I love using these categories when exploring self-nurturing because they guide us in understanding how expansive self-nurturing can truly be! We can begin to cultivate our self-nurturing practice by identifying activities in each category.

I want highlight the difference between active ways of self-nurturing and passive ways. Active simply means that after engaging in the activity we still feel the positive benefits, like taking a walk in nature. Passive nurturing means we only feel the benefits while doing the activity, like watching television. There is nothing wrong with either way of nurturing ourselves, but we do want to include more active ways of nurturing so we feel the rejuvenating benefits longer.

So let’s explore what it means to nourish ourselves. How we nourish ourselves is individual and includes everything from the food we eat, to the people we choose to spend time with, to the tv, books and social media we consume, to being creative, to the activities that light us up and bring us joy.

Pause for a moment and write down five things that nourish you. 

How we cherish ourselves is more about how we treat ourselves. This includes how we teach others to treat us, the boundaries we set with ourselves and others, how we spend our time, how we love and respect ourselves and how we talk to ourselves and quiet our inner critic. Cultivating self-awareness and self-compassion fall under the category of how we cherish ourselves. If you are having difficulty connecting this feeling to yourself, think about someone you adore and then imagine feeling this way about yourself. In my last self-nurturing workshop, someone shared that she cherishes herself by being grateful for her body when she applies lotion. I love this act of self-nurturing!

What activities demonstrate that your cherish yourself?

Finally, encouraging our growth and potential is a powerful way to nurture ourselves. There are so many ways to encourage our growth and potential, including taking a class or workshop, watching a TedTalk, reading a book, being creative, trying something new, learning about ourselves, and even starting this self-nurturing journey!

What could you include in your day that would encourage your growth and potential?

I find it so empowering that we can transform our habit of self-neglect by learning to nurture ourselves and our relationship with ourselves! Choosing to nourish, cherish and encourage our growth and potential is the foundation of cultivating a self-nurturing practice. Just begin with one new nurturing activity today and as you feel the positive results you can add more in. This process is about reconnecting with ourselves, treating ourselves with love and compassion and being curious in the process. Nurturing ourselves is not about putting another thing on our “to do” list, but rather treating ourselves like a beloved friend in our lives.

In the wise words of Jean Shinoda Bolen, “When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings you joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”

May you transform your habit of self-neglect into a practice of self-nurturing and may you nurture peace in the world from the inside out!