When I declare you as a Sexy, Confident Woman (and I do!), I’m not talking about the kind of sexy defined by the media – Angelina Jolie’s lips, Beyonce’s backside. I’m talking about a sexy YOU get to define — a sexy that emanates from embracing who you are and the gifts you have to offer. When you are this kind of sexy, you own your promise and your power, and you stroll confidently into any room.
Your sexy confident woman (SCW) may be hiding, but she’s in there. Her glorious inner fire is often entombed under layers of ash…the ash of not loving yourself, of trying to stifle emotions that aren’t comfortable or pretty, and of the pain of challenges you’ve faced and soldiered through without finding ways to heal the wounds in your heart.
As women we often live our lives responding to the desires and wishes of the people around us, relinquishing the ability to set our own course and define our own destiny. In the process of trying to fit into the script we think we are supposed to live, we drain our power and run the danger of annihilating any sense of who we really are and what we really believe. We find ourselves playing small and safe, not sexy and strong. We even forget that our beliefs, values, and desires matter. But your inner SCW is waiting for you to unleash her fire, and the world needs your light!
- Do you love – I mean truly love – yourself, accepting your “flaws” and embracing your gifts? Do you offer yourself the same gentle and fierce love you give your children or your best friend — a willing ear, an empathetic hug, a tender acceptance?
- Are you physically manifesting the beauty that is in you?
- Do you let yourself really feel the emotions coursing through your body?
OR
- Do you bury your emotions in food, relationships, shopping, or alcohol?
- Do you hide parts of yourself from the world and from yourself?
- Do you shame yourself for your feelings that aren’t pretty? Deny them? Fight them?
If your answers aren’t what you would like them to be, you probably have some work to do. And work it is, but well worth it. It’s time to find your inner SCW and coax her out.
The first step is to redefine sexy and confident in a way that makes sense. Why should anyone else – least of all the media — get to define for us what it means to be sexy – or even confident? Let’s define it in our own way, a way that empowers us, not one that leaves us constantly striving for something out of reach. Let’s level the playing field and instead settle on definitions that are worthy goals.
I propose that sexy = confident in our own skin exactly as we are and confident = the state of embracing all the parts of who we are, knowing that we matter.
So then we can decide that an SCW is not a woman who is never insecure, but rather one who can name her insecurity and move past it. She is not a woman who always feels beautiful, but she always knows her beauty is in there. By this attainable definition, a sexy confident woman is someone who embraces who she is and knows that she matters and her feelings matter, always. At my deepest core, in my soul, I believe we are ALL sexy, confident women yearning to breathe free.
So how do you coax her out? The biggest step is the hardest. You need to listen. She’s probably a bit brow-beaten and afraid to step into the light. She may be used to being denied her emotions, or, even worse, being bullied and shamed for them. Poor woman! All that needs to change. If you want to BE that sexy, confident woman, you have to listen to her even, and especially, when she’s crying out in pain. It’s easy to honor the “good” emotions, but can you honor the “bad”? If you cannot show up with the confidence to fully be what and who you are, she will go back into hiding.
The emotions we stuff down – anger, jealousy, resentment, hurt, disappointment, and pain – are ones we were once shamed for. We were taught they are not appropriate or pretty. But whether they are pretty or not is not the question. If you are feeling jealous, you’re feeling jealous, no matter how you fight it, repress it, or try to eat it into oblivion. You have to be willing to feel the pain and then ask why. Repressing an emotion through your method of choice – food, alcohol, drama, you name it – drains your power. And a little ball of emotion hardens, blocking your energy. And block after block, you entomb your SCW behind an impenetrable dark wall.
Instead of this bleak picture, it’s time to love your SCW by listening to her pain. “Hmm, you’re hurt…tell me why.” And she will. It may take pages of journaling or an hour conversation with your best friend before you find the core of the issue, but the reward is immediate and sweet release. Tears may flow; embrace them…they are a gift, a way to release an emotion which will harm you more if locked inside. Once you’ve released the energy around the emotion, you can create a reasonable plan of action (which hopefully does not include a pint of Rocky Road).
In many cases, a plan of action may even be unnecessary. Your SCW only wanted you to acknowledge her and trust that she has important things to tell you. You may also learn something you’ve been trying to avoid knowing, like that a relationship isn’t good for you. But the power of knowing gives you power to choose a more constructive – even joyful – use of your time and energy. You may also find that you still get that adrenalin flush of flaming emotion even after you’ve listened to your SCW. That’s when it’s time to sit with the person that’s triggered the emotion and talk about it. “When ____ happened, it triggered _____ feeling in me. Can we talk about it?”
The consequences of not listening to your inner SCW are heartbreaking…maybe a body shrouded in fat, your inner fire buried under ash, a life devoid of juicy moments. But when you step INTO who you are, not away, your inner SCW begins to breathe and grow in strength and power.
I’ve enjoyed getting to know my inner SCW. She’s quite a force! She loves to laugh, makes time for joy, tickles her son into mad flurries of giggles, and now that she knows I’ll listen, shows me the things that make her happy. I recently took up Soul Booking (see side bar). Quietly sifting through photos and words, I rediscovered dormant passions: I love to play the guitar, sing, and splash watercolors around a canvas.
And now I’ve learned that when I make time to do those things, my SCW breathes deeply and gratefully. She even puts an extra swing in my step, and I think “Damn, I’m a sexy, confident woman!”
There are many ways to coax out your SCW. Here are a few:
1. Play with her! Try Soul Booking to discover – or rediscover – the activities that make your soul sing. (soulbooking.wordpress.com)
2. Talk with her. Write letters to her – and letters back.
3. Ask her opinion “If you were in charge right now, what would you do?”
4. Make a list of things that make you and her feel strong and happy – and make time for them!
5. Dress her up! Your inner SCW loves it when you take the time to put on your nicest clothes, jewelry that sparkles, and a little splash of make-up. Especially useful when your SCW is in complete hiding.
About Ellie Bassick-Trovato