As I shared in part one of my ongoing Transforming Your Relationship column series, How to Create Your Unshakable Love & Unleashed Passion in 8 Simple Steps, in each issue I will be guiding you deeper into each of the 8 transformational steps of my Relationship Transformation System® and give you a tool or strategy to implement to experience a shift in your relationships that day! In this issue, we are covering Step Two: Shifting.
If there’s one thing I know for sure, until you shift your perspective, nothing can change for you!
Without shifting your perspective, you can try to use the tools and strategies that I can teach you, but you would be EFFORTING, pushing and trying to have GOOD behavior to create a shift, and that doesn’t last long term.
Plus, have you ever had someone “say” something really nice to you with a smile on their face but their energy was screaming “I’m just pretending to be nice and smile…I’m pissed!”
Yeah, it’s the same for your partner. When you TRY to say the right thing, but your energy is screaming “I’m so f’in frustrated with this”, they “hear” your energy loud and clear. The tools won’t work if you are still stuck in blame.
Everyone can see through your fake smile and nice words, they can feel your energy.
So, what’s the solution? Well, luckily for you, the REAL solution is to actually SHIFT how you feel about what’s going on! I say “lucky” because when you shift how you feel about it, you will actually FEEL the peace and happiness from doing this work. And then the tools and strategies that you implement will be effective in creating change!
So, at this point you may be wondering, “How do I shift my perspective?” Great question.
This is part of what my husband Paul and I refer to as “doing the work”. For Step Two of our system, Shifting, it’s all about learning how to SEE your relationship differently, see men differently, see women differently, and see yourself differently!
I’ll give you an example.
Recently, a woman going through a challenging time in her marriage, posted in our Facebook Community about a struggle she was having (Let’s call her Amy). Amy described a very common pattern where her husband would come home from work, and when she would try to talk to him about the important things that were going on, he wouldn’t respond. Amy would escalate her demand to talk, follow him, try to ask a different way… no response. She was asking for our help because she felt like she could no longer tolerate his rudeness and how unimportant she was.
Within the same week, one of the students in our program posted about a very similar scenario, but after going through a few of our modules, and experiencing a shift in her perspective, her post was very different. (Let’s call her Beth)
As Beth described it, she had an A-ha moment. Thanks to understanding some of the differences between masculine and feminine energy, she now realized that all those years that her husband would shut her out and not respond to her when she was challenging him, Beth had NO idea that SHE was the one that was triggering him to close off.
Beth was celebrating that she could now SEE so clearly, that when SHE was in her masculine energy and confronted her husband about things that they needed to talk about, she was triggering him to shut down to her so as not to fight her. Beth was so amazed that she never SAW it that way before. She was ready for the HOW!
“Ok, so how do I fix this?”
Both Amy and Beth had nearly the same dynamic going on at home. But on that day, these two women were on two very different paths forward. Could you feel it?
Amy was stead-fast in her perspective that her husband was rude and treating her insignificantly. She was blaming him and waiting for him to change. I’m sure, like all of us, you know how crappy that feels.
Beth, on the other hand, had a new understanding of one of the differences between masculine and feminine that “made sense” of a dynamic that had caused her pain for years! This aha was a HUGE relief for her! And ultimately, it helped her feel her heartfelt compassion for herself and her husband and the perpetual-misunderstanding that got them to where they were.
This shift in her perspective opened a new door for her to take new action.
Could you FEEL how ready Beth was for a tool or strategy that she could put in place to shift things with her husband?
That’s why I say, you must experience a shift in how you SEE things before you can implement the tools and strategies that really work!
Without this shift in perspective, Beth might have approached her hubby with some kind of “communication strategy” layered on top of 7 years of “blame and upset” energy. But after experiencing this SHIFT, Beth can approach her husband with a newfound energy of empowerment, understanding and hope!
That’s why Step Two of our system is “Shifting”!
Once you learn to see men, women and relationships with new eyes you are ready to use the tools and strategies in the steps to come!
Besides, it’s such a HUGE relief to understand your partner (and yourself) in a way you never have before.
I know this may sound crazy, but your man is not actually just a bad-behaving girl!
I mean it. Today, you may be trapped in a pattern of evaluating everything your husband does through your filter of what YOU would have done/said/felt. But he’s not a woman. He doesn’t think/feel/process or act the same way that we do. So when you put him through YOUR filter, he’s always going to look like a woman having bad behavior because he’s not wired to do things the way we are.
He is NOT a BAD GIRL! He’s a DUDE!
I bet you never thought you were going to read that line in a magazine today! Haha!
Seriously, it’s such a tragedy that growing up NO ONE gave us the real truth about how different men and women are… and how to APPRECIATE the differences we bring to each other, instead of judging each other for being so different.
There’s so much unnecessary pain in relationship today, simply because women and men don’t understand and appreciate our differences.
Instead of focusing on how your husband doesn’t think/feel/process/do things the way you want him to, consider this….
Out of the 8 Billion people on this planet, your partner chose to commit himself to you. Just you. You are the ONLY one that he gets to be with. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that he does NOT actually WANT you to be miserable!
He is tied to you! He does NOT want you to be miserable all the time, because you are taking him down with you! So he is not doing any of this “mis-behaving” intentionally!
And neither are you! Yes, you! There’s a lot of stuff that you are doing UNINTENTIONALLY that is causing the kerfuffle and unhappiness you are currently living in.
I know you don’t mean to do it. It’s invisible to you right now. Just like it was to Beth, before she got the Relationship Education that she deserved!
Let me save you from some agony…
Please do not make the painful mistake of thinking that compromise, good behavior, staying quiet or trying to please others is ever going to work to create the happiness that you want in your relationship! None of those things work! None of them!
In my experience, the only methodology that really works is to SEE things differently and then implement the tools and strategies to create the relationship that you deserve!
One of the best ways to start shifting your perspective and SEE things differently is to learn what you do not yet know about yourself, your partner and relationships! Then you can SEE things with new eyes, which is SO much more effective than trying to have “good behavior”!
Your shift in perspective is the OPENING to the tools and strategies to come!
In my next column, I will be talking about Step Three of our system, Strategies! These are the tools and strategies that work in real life to create your unshakable love and unleashed passion!
Until then, if you want our support in shifting your perspective and getting the relationship education you deserve, please check out our programs and events that are designed to support you!
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