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Self-Acceptance and the Art of Belonging


“The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect.” 
~Brene Brown

Throughout my years of counseling, I have found that most people have a deep need to belong. Most of us want to connect in meaningful ways with other people in our lives and yet sometimes struggle to do so. This is particularly true for people who carry trauma. What I have also noticed is that many people have difficulty accepting themselves, which undermines their sense of belonging and fuels a pervasive feeling of not being good enough.

I am so grateful for Brene Brown’s ability to beautifully clarify the importance of self-acceptance in the process of fulfilling our profound need to belong. Instead of viewing self-acceptance as optional on this journey of life, we can now embrace it as essential to living a rich and meaningful life.

So how do we cultivate self-acceptance and feel a true sense of belonging? To start we need to bring awareness to when shame and not feeling good enough are triggered, and notice how we react to ourselves, and others when this occurs.

Recognizing situations that regularly trigger shame for us provides a wonderful opportunity to make empowered choices in how we want to respond rather than creating more disconnection with our defensiveness, aggressiveness or tendency to shut down.

The potential for not feeling good enough is ever present when we interact with others. Some common triggers include any time we compare ourselves to others, feel judged, criticized or jealous. If you are not familiar with how you react to having shame triggered, start to notice with curiosity and non-judgment the next time you feel defensive.

What happens in your body when you feel defensive?

How do you feel emotionally when this happens?

How do you behave when you are defensive?

The more awareness you cultivate when you are feeling defensive, the more understanding you will have about what is getting in the way of feeling connected to others. The more awareness you have of what triggers shame, the more self-compassion you will develop, which makes nurturing self-acceptance possible.

When we do not accept ourselves, we often limit how much we authentically express ourselves. As a result we do not feel a true sense of belonging with others because we are not being our true selves. The fear that others will find out that something is inherently wrong with us limits our courage to be vulnerable, which is key in the process of connecting.

The shame we carry around believing that something is wrong with us robs us of our confidence, self-worth and courage.

But what if we did not buy into the message that we are not good enough?

What if we refused to believe that limiting belief and instead embraced the infinite possibilities within us?

Imagine how different our lives could be if we chose to accept our authentic truth and beauty and made choices based on that empowering belief in ourselves instead of the limiting belief of our not enough-ness.

As Louise L. Hay reminds us, “You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

Accepting ourselves is a powerful act of self-nurturing that improves our relationship with ourselves first and foremost, and also positively impacts every relationship in our lives, nourishing our deep sense of belonging.

Embracing self-acceptance will create ripple effects in your life and empower others around you to accept themselves – creating more and more sense of belonging in the world. The more you commit to authentically showing up in your life, the more you give others permission to do the same and the deeper your relationships become.

These ripple effects have the potential to heal the world!

May you embrace self-acceptance and nurture true belonging in your life and may you nurture peace in the world from the inside out!

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About the author 

Kelley Grimes, MSW

Kelley Grimes, MSW, is an empowering counselor, self-nurturing expert, sought-after speaker, best-selling author of The Art of Self-Nurturing, expert columnist for Aspire Magazine, and an Expert Instructor for InspiredLivingUniversity.com. She is the founder of Cultivating Peace and Joy inspiring individuals to nurture peace in the world from the inside out.

Kelley is passionate about empowering overwhelmed and exhausted individuals to live with more peace, joy, and meaning through the practice of self-nurturing.  She loves working with individuals, couples, and families in person and virtually to transform their lives.

In addition, she provides professional and leadership development to organizations dedicated to making the world a better place. As a dynamic keynote and workshop presenter she has been invited to present at these inspiring organizations:  Alliance For Regional Solutions, Carlsbad Village Yoga, The Epilepsy Foundation, Exodus Recovery Inc., Girls Rising, Hands of Peace, MAAC, ,and hospitals, community colleges, universities, and school districts throughout San Diego County on a variety of topics including self-nurturing, stress management, mindfulness, trauma informed care, cultivating resilience, motivational interviewing, avoiding burnout, and staying grounded in uncertain times.

She also teaches self-nurturing practices and strategies to women overcoming domestic violence, homelessness, and other major life challenges for Leap to Success where she serves as the Director of Community Engagement, instructor and leadership coach. Kelley is also a field instructor for San Diego State University where she loves supervising and mentoring Master of Social Work interns.

Download your complimentary Art of Self-Nurturing Starter Kit today.  Learn more about Kelley's work and services at www.cultivatingpeaceandjoy.com.

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  • I enjoy your posts. Self-acceptance can be such a tricky topic for people but your encouraging manner makes it accessible. Maybe belonging — or the lack of it — is an inside job???? Thank you.

  • Josephine Claire says:

    Thank you for a great article!

  • Barb Parcells says:

    It always, always, starts with us!

  • Lore Raymond says:

    Deeply appreciating, “Accepting ourselves is a powerful act of self-nurturing that improves our relationship with ourselves first and foremost, and also positively impacts every relationship in our lives, nourishing our deep sense of belonging.” Oh, how I wish young girls and boys could KNOW and ACCEPT this at their core. What a different world it would be for all of us and more importantly, THEM.

  • Kelley, I was just coaching someone today about acceptance and how it is so important to counter our idea of attacking ourselves with our mind. So interesting this is such a synchronicity. It reminded me of this idea: Love is all encompassing and can have no opposite. A Course in Miracles states that the opposite of love is fear, but what is all encompassing, can have no opposite. Love embraces everything and we don’t realize that until we accept ourselves completely, including all the mistakes and all the experiences we have.

  • I love your perspective Kelly. As a counselor and healer I get what youre saying…youre right…I too feel that people just want to belong. The ways they try to do that is where the problems stem from….When done with love its effective…the opposite not so much.
    xoxo, Z~

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