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Please Don’t Teach Your Kids to Help Those Less Fortunate and Here’s Why

Please Don’t Teach Your Kids to Help Those Less Fortunate and Here’s Why by Tiffany Kane | #AspireMag

Hold on to your hats now folks! Hear me out before you get upset!

As a parent, I get it! You want to your child to appreciate and be grateful for all that they have. It can be frustrating to hear, “I am bored” when your child is sitting in a room surrounded by expensive toys.

It is tempting to want to teach your child to appreciate all they have by pointing out how fortunate he or she is in relation to lots of other people in the world. Because to be truthful there are many parts of the world where people cannot even take having clean running water in their homes for granted. This temptation exists because it is part of your parenting default. Remember all those starving kids in Africa conversations at the dinner table?

I believe that teaching your kids to help those who are less fortunate as a means to learn about gratitude creates more problems in the long run than it provides solutions in the short term.

An “Us and Them” Mentality

Yes, please teach your child to be helpful, generous and giving people but not with the intention of helping people who are less fortunate than they are. This kind of reasoning sets up a separation mentality. Perhaps it is better stated as an “Us and Them” mentality.

Well… that used to be useful when we were cave dwellers. But that was a long, long time ago.

Do you realize that an “Us and Them” mentality is wreaking havoc in the world?

An “Us and them” mentality is at the root of wars, racism, classism, the mafia, gangs, the caste system etc… The list goes on and on and on and on.

But do you know what else the “Us and Them” mentality is at the root of? Yep! That’s right – Comparison!

When you teach your child to help the less fortunate you are teaching him or her to feel good about themselves by comparing themselves to others. OUCH!

The problem with comparison

Here is the problem with comparison for making yourself feel good about you. While you may feel better in the short term comparing yourself to others who are not coping with life as well as you are (I call it the Jerry Springer effect), that wears off. Another danger is that sometimes when you are engaged in the practice of comparison you may find people you perceive to be doing better than you and that leaves you feeling worse than when you started.

And guess what else. It opens you up to falling into the “Old Codger” trap of comparison. I know you know what I am talking about. That is when you compare your kid’s experience of being a kid to your own experience of being a kid. I am sure you have heard a grandparent or two say, “When I was young I had to walk to school in the snow… with no shoes… up hill… both ways.” While I am in no way diminishing the hardships suffered buy older generations, as a child it just made me tune out. So it wasn’t really a useful parenting strategy. Besides, don’t you work hard to provide a good life for your kids. Don’t diminish your own hard work by believing your kids don’t deserve what you have worked hard to provide.

Where are the answers?

Now I am not usually someone who speaks in terms of absolutes, but in this situation I am willing to risk it. The answers, the real answers for feeling good about who you are as a human, are NEVER outside of you. They are ALWAYS within.

So what’s a parent to do? How do you teach your kids to be grateful, generous people without pointing out all they have in comparison to others?

Focus on the Feeling

I say focus on the feeling. How do you feel when you help someone? I am guessing it feels pretty good, right? And it doesn’t actually even matter if that person is less fortunate or more fortunate. It just feels good to be of service because in that moment you were able to be of service.

When you feel good you attract more good into your life.

Here’s a Conversation Worth Having

It is important to develop your kid’s sense of self-worth from the inside out. Ask your kids how they feel on the inside when they accomplished something new. Make the feeling the focus of the conversation, not the outside representation of the accomplishment. As a rule of thumb, keep it mind to praise their effort and not necessarily the result.

Of course you will need to adjust the conversation to an age-appropriate level that your children will understand, but you already knew that.

Your Challenge (Should you choose to accept it!)

How about you?

Can you focus on the feeling and not the results of your day?

How you feel about yourself as you move through the day is a much better evaluation of the quality of your life as opposed to how much you accomplish.

I know it can seem counter intuitive, but try it.

Ask yourself these questions –

What percentage of your day did you feel good about you?

What percentage of your day did you feel bad about you?

What can you do tomorrow to ensure that you increase the percentage of the time you feel good about you?

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About the author 

Tiffany Kane

Tiffany works with widowed parents who worry that alone they will never be enough and understand that being an only parent is not the same as being a single parent. Tiffany believes that there is only one right way to grieve, only one right way to parent and that is the way that works for you. Through Widows With Kids™ private coaching and retreats, widowed parents are guided to the one right way that works for them.

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  • This kind of reminds me of the current push to have high schoolers do lots of “community service hours.” I’m not really sure that they’re accomplishing the original intent, but it’s really hard to make a case against it. You make some really good points and have given me some things to think about, though. Thank you!

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