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How This One Agreement Changed My Life

How This One Agreement Changed My Life by Peggy Nolan | #AspireMag

“I need to be with someone less powerful.” His words cut through me like the frigid air of a New England winter. His dark words took up residence inside my head. What did he mean, “Someone less powerful?” Surely I was not a powerful person. I had spent nineteen years carefully crafting an artificial life where I was “less than” my first husband.

I stifled myself. I became small so he could feel bigger and better about himself. I dimmed my light so he could shine bright.

I learned early in my first marriage that I wasn’t supposed to make more money, be more creative, get promoted sooner, or be more successful than him. I had to squash my inherent desire to become a better me. No matter how I tried to dim my light, my light shined on…even if it shined a little bit sideways. No matter what success or achievement I reached, my first husband found ways to weave black magic with his words.

“You’re not that good anyway…”

“You get tunnel vision…”

“You always have a plan…”

“No matter how hard I try, I can never bring you down…”

And the worst he’d say to me (because he intensely disliked my father) “You are your father’s daughter.”

My first husband used his words as weapons of mass destruction. He used them to divide, separate, and create confusion. He used his words to interject fear, self-judgment, and pain. Until I found Don Miguel Ruiz’ book, “The Four Agreements,” I didn’t know what or why he did what he did. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I didn’t fully understand the power and impact we have with our words until this transformational book found me. Ironically or divinely, it appeared in my life just as my first marriage ended in divorce.

The first agreement, to be impeccable with your word, broke wide open the false reality that I created. Not only was my first husband using his words as black magic but I believed those words and created more of that same toxic black magic within me and it oozed into every aspect of my life.

Ruiz states, “The human mind is like a fertile ground where seeds are continually being planted. The seeds are opinions, ideas, and concepts. You plant a seed, a thought, and it GROWS! The word is like a seed and the human mind is so fertile. The only problem is that too often it is fertile for the seeds of fear.”

My first husband preyed on my fear based thoughts. He stalked my self-doubt. He encouraged my own inner judge and jury. Together, we agreed to eat each others toxicity. I agreed to the pain and suffering he dished out on a frequent basis. After all, he was just using his words in a similar fashion as his parents, my parents, and their parents before them. Well intentioned adults and teachers who simply passed down the dream of the planet as it had been passed down to them.

When I first read “The Four Agreements” in December 2002, I learned that to be impeccable with my word was to be without sin. Anything I think, say, or do against myself is a sin. When I am impeccable with my word I do not use my thoughts, words or actions against myself or others. Nor do I take personally (the second agreement) the words others say about me.

While my first husband rejected me for “someone less powerful,” I learned that self-rejection is the biggest sin of all. To be less than who I am so he could think himself more was a clear rejection of what my Creator intended for me.

Our words are so very powerful. They can be used to create and they can be used to destroy. They create our reality and our dream. Over time and with practice, I changed the words I not only allowed others to misuse against me but I misused as well.

“You need to be less powerful” became “I am fearfully and powerfully made.” I also adopted my Aunt Cal’s gentle reminder that I came from a long line of powerful Scottish women.

The snide “You have tunnel vision” became “I complete what I start.”

The disdainful “You are your father’s daughter” became “damn straight I am!” I am proud to be my father’s daughter because my father is a loving, kind, funny, and brilliant human being.

Now that I know better about how my words create my reality, it is my responsibility to teach this to my children, to you and to keep teaching myself. In the margins of page 35, I wrote “What spell am I casting with my words?” I pay attention to my internal dialogue and the words I chose to think and say about myself. I pay attention to the words I say to others and the words I write. I’m mindful of the spell I’m casting for my dream, for the dreams of others, and ultimately for the Heaven on Earth I’m creating for myself and my family.

I ask you this – what spell are you casting with your words?

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About the author 

Peggy Nolan

Peggy Nolan is a certified yoga teacher at the 500-hour level. She’s been practicing yoga since 2002 and teaching since 2009. Peggy is also Yin Yoga and Yoga Nidra certified. When she’s not teaching or practicing yoga, Peggy can be found crocheting hats, scarves, and fashion accessories for women and children. Peggy lives in Derry, NH with her husband, Rick. Together they share a passion for traveling, camping, and their 6 grandchildren. You can learn more at www.PeggyNolanYoga.com and join her on Facebook and Instagram

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  • As I started reading your post, Marianne Williamson’s famous quote was ringing in my ears.

    The Four Agreements is a great book and your post was a reminder to be mindful of the words I use.

    • Peggy Nolan says:

      Wendy – Marianne’s quote about never dimming your light so another can shine is always nearby to remind me that when I stand in my truth and in my power, I give others permission to do the same. Thank you for stopping by today and commenting! xoxo

  • Kathy Hadley says:

    Wow! This is a great message. I’m so glad that you discovered your self and really revel in your own power now. My hope is that somehow, your shifting has also caused a shifting in your ex-husband for the good, too. 🙂 We are all children of God, after all.

    • Peggy Nolan says:

      One can hope it caused a shifting in my ex as well. For my daughters, I will always hope and wish him well <3 Thank you for stopping by and commenting Kathy…and sharing the link. xxoo

  • And from that glow of that one small light comes a light to shine & show others a way to their own light. By empowering yourself & sharing your journey you inspire others to do the same. You should be so proud of yourself & what you have achieved. Diane

  • Virg Lewis says:

    Slayer of doubt – good for you Peggy to enabling your own power and being proud of it. Off topic – I notice you like peanut butter. Do you ever add it to a brownie mix? It is now my brother’s new favorite since I gave him some last week. Creativity is such fun ! Oh – the same day we rode on horses at an indoor carousel. Such fun to be a kid for a few minutes at age 64 !

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