Many people are touched by divorce. How is it reaching you? Perhaps a friend or co-worker is going through it. Perhaps you’re watching with the eyes of a grandparent as your own child goes through the experience. Or, perhaps it is your life, your experience, your reality. No matter your distance from the divorce epicenter, it involves you, and now you, in-turn have an influence over its course.
So when faced with a divorce based scenario, what do you say? What flows from you is worth your consideration, especially when children are involved. Are you speaking the Pro-Child Way?
Long before you respond to a matter concerning the divorce, it’s critical for you to consider the child involved. Simply taking the time to funnel your answer through awareness of this child could drastically alter your words. As your co-worker is taking a breath while relaying to you his or her divorce-related episode, imagine the difference in the continued re-telling if instead of commiserating with “what a jerk!” you ask, “how does your child feel about this?” Not only do you shift the course of discussion, but perhaps a shift is also possible in your co-worker’s heart.
With every divorced-parenting moment, you have the choice to either participate in the current direction or to guide it another way. Whether you’re at the periphery of the divorce or at it’s center, your words effect the continued path. This is always true: even when your ex is in the middle of screaming at you.
Nurturing Principle: A child needs love, patience, kindness, security, consistency, and consideration. These are not reserved just for children who are a part of in-tact families. These are not reserved for children whose parents are going through a “friendly divorce.” EVERY child’s soul deserves this. This Nurturing Principle should be at the heart of all discussions, choices, and actions along the divorced-parenting path. But knowing this and applying it to specific divorced-parenting situations is often easier intended then actualized.
As a mom, you may want to give your child consistency as you navigate visitation schedules, but as your child is crying on the bedroom floor, how? As a grandparent, you may want to surround your grandchild in love, but how do you express that in the midst of his or her divorced home-life? And as the friend, how can you encourage patience when it’s your job to fortify your buddy’s drama? That feeling in your stomach may be suggesting a child-centered route, but expressing it isn’t always clear. How do you determine that nurturing path?
Step 1: Consider what not to do. Quick, when considering the Nurturing Principle, what would be the thing NOT to do or say? ”Visitation-shmizitation, who cares what my ex thinks! I’m telling him junior wants to stay with me tonight!” Or in Grannie’s dilemma, how about, “Come here pumpkin, I’ll give you all the hugs and cookies you need since your pathetic mom skipped out on you and your dad!” See? It’s pretty easy to come up with what NOT to say. Hollywood is a good place for inspiring “Old Way” scenarios but I’m sure your mind’s chatter can come up with ten in under a second! The quickest route to figuring out what your Pro-Child Way is, is in recognizing what it isn’t.
Step 2: Shrug your shoulders. In identifying what you’re NOT going to say, you’ve likely arrived at that awkward moment when you haven’t a clue as to how to proceed. Admit it freely! For it’s in that space of quiet unknown that you can hear the child’s heart the loudest. Shrug, grab a coffee, meditate, go for a walk, take a long shower, whatever appeals to you, just give yourself the time to not know. Never-mind your ex’s tapping foot or your co-workers baited breath, it isn’t their opinion that matters. If you asked the child, she’d tell you to take all the time you need for her benefit.
Step 3: Speak the Pro-Child Way. Using the Nurturing Principle as your guide, weigh your words. When you speak it, will it show love to the child? Will your words surround him or her in security as opposed to exposing her to vulnerability? If the child were to hear these words, would she recognize that she was deeply considered?
From a mom, “I hear that you want to stay here, but I also know that dad loves you very much and that you love dad. You being with dad tonight is a good thing! You know, we can think of each other and still have fun apart at the same time. I’ll be happy knowing that you’re getting to be with dad. Now, come on it’s time to go. Would you like me to carry you or hold your hand as you walk?” Or grandma’s reassurances, “I know that mom doesn’t live with you and dad anymore, but that doesn’t change her love for you! I remember when you were born and saw your mom shower you with love and kisses, nothing is going to change that. Right now, mom needs to be away. And, because we love her, we’ll understand that being away from you doesn’t mean that she loves you any less.”
The Pro-Child Way isn’t a set list of procedures or phrases laid out in a book; lists don’t take THIS child and THIS situation into consideration. Only you, guided by the Nurturing Principle, can know the Pro-Child Way for the divorce situation that’s before you. The wonderful part is that it reveals itself, when you allow it.
What is the point of all of this ado? For a child to smile. But what if you’ve already travelled down the Old Way path? The good news is that children are wonderfully resilient and acclimate easily to new attitudes – especially ones that make them smile. All it takes is you making the choice to change direction towards the Pro-Child Way.
About Ellen Kellner