According to Tony Robbins, all humans have a set of six needs: certainty, variety, significance, love & connection, growth, and contribution. The first four are personality needs and the last two are spiritual needs. When we are not consciously fulfilling these needs our subconscious takes over and meets them for us. In children, this contributes to tantrums and other unwanted behaviors.
By creating a morning ritual for yourself and your children, it will fulfill all of these needs and in turn make mornings run much more smoothly. Our family follows an acronym we created for our book, The Miracle Morning for Parents and Families called C.H.A.R.M.S. It stands for creativity, health, affirmations, reading, meditation, and service. Having a framework to follow creates a sense of certainty. It also cuts down on the decisions we have to make which saves us valuable time in the morning. It allows for consistency and when children understand what is expected of them, they develop a sense of security.
Creativity is all about children expressing their uniqueness and fulfills the needs of variety and significance. A child may love to draw and do it daily, yet each day their drawing is new. They may love to write, yet each time they sit down to do so a new story emerges. Dr. Shefali Tsabary in her book, The Awakened Family, writes, “Children learn to take risks when allowed to engage in the process of creativity without obsessing about the outcome.” As parents, we need to create a safe space for our kids to express themselves fully, without judging their progress.
Health can fulfill both certainty and variety. Our kids know each day they need to get dressed, eat breakfast and do a short exercise, yet the possibilities are endless. They can choose different clothes each day; they can eat different foods and how they move their body can change too. For kids that require a little more certainty, you can create a schedule. For example, on Monday they eat eggs and have a dance party while the eggs are cooking, Tuesday they eat cereal and play Simon says, Wednesday they have a smoothie and do 1 minute of laughing jumping jacks (if you’ve never done this I highly recommend it!), and so on.
Affirmations in their simplest form are positive I AM statements. When crafted to reflect the child’s individual strengths, they will fulfill the need of significance. To feel significant is to have meaning and feel worthy of love. As kids repeat their affirmations and tell themselves how they are amazing, brave, creative, divine…they understand their value in the world. Our kid’s affirmations follow the alphabet to make it really easy. At 8, our son has his memorized and can say them in less than a minute. Our 4 year old has me say them and she repeats.
Reading can satisfy many needs, depending on the book choice and the manner in which it’s read. If you choose a book that has a lesson or a non-fiction book that teaches facts it will meet the need of growth. If reading is a social activity, where everyone is experiencing the same book and a discussion is possible, love and connection comes into play. When an older sibling reads to a younger sibling who cannot yet read, this can lead to contribution and love and connection. With a library at your disposal, the variety is endless. Our family often listens to audiobooks in the car. I will often pause the audio to ask the kids questions about the story. Giving an answer also makes them feel significant.
Meditation, like affirmations, is often easier for kids to grasp than adults. With our life experience, grownups can develop some bad habits. We find it difficult to be alone with our thoughts and live in the present moment. We are often distracted with worry about the future or stuck in the story of our past. We keep ourselves so busy that we don’t have time to stop and breathe, but it’s in this space that we truly grow. Meditation in its simplest form is focusing our attention. The goal is not to empty your mind, but to notice your thoughts and then release them without engaging. Many practices will have you focus on your breath or listen to a guided visualization. A meditation practice is to your mind like running is to your body. By intentionally quieting the mind for a short period everyday your mind will become stronger and you will be able to focus for longer and longer periods of time. The benefits are vast and a routine practice will meet the needs of certainty and growth. In our house, we love to use the app Insight Timer. A guided meditation our kids love is by Andrew Johnson called “Smiling Relaxation.”
Service is another word for contribution and also helps kids feel significant. It’s about dropping the ego and giving back to others. For kids this could be as simple as chores, or as Amy McCready author of The Me, Me, Me Epidemic calls them, family contributions. When kids are given the responsibility of chipping in around the house, they feel a sense of pride and their internal motivation gets a boost. Amy explains, “Let’s face it, kids aren’t going to love unloading the dishwasher or putting away the groceries, but knowing their efforts make a difference for YOU, turns that chore into a contribution and along with that will be fewer power struggles and more cooperating. That’s a win for everyone!”
Here is a few more tips and tricks to make C.H.A.R.M.S. work for your family.
- Combine C.H.A.R.M.S.- For example, have your kids say their affirmations while doing jumping jacks or have an older sibling make a younger sibling breakfast to cover health and service.
- Make it a game- download a free C.H.A.R.M.S. dice here: http://www.miraclemorning.com/parents/
- Build Consistency- using a free C.H.A.R.M.S. tracker here: http://www.miraclemorning.com/parents/
- Be the Example- Develop your own morning ritual before encouraging your kids to follow your example.
- Wake up Before your kids- give yourself at least 15 minutes to get yourself started before they need you.
