I’m a recovering people-pleaser. Whenever I said or did anything that contradicted other people, and they reacted angrily or tried to convince me how wrong I was, my heart dropped to the floor.
I’ve had difficulty standing up for myself sometimes, or doing the things that tug at my heart. I really hate to disappoint people when I make a decision they don’t like, don’t expect, or don’t understand.
But my people-pleasing tendencies only go so far, because I can also be insistent. My mind is like a laser and when I’ve zeroed in on a something I want. I’ll go for it, and I have.
Eleven years ago, I quit a job and traveled to France for 3-weeks. I had no idea how I was going to pay the rent when I returned to the States. Some thought it was foolish, and I did have my concerns, but I cherish the whole experience and often dream about doing it again.
And those who know me well know that I can be very adamant about what I don’t want.
Sometimes it’s worth the risk when I know, deep down, what will or won’t make me happy. But occasionally I’ll play along with what others want because it’s easier.
Some people go their whole lives doing just that. They’ll allow others to tell them what choices they should make. They’ll feel guilty if they meet with any form of disapproval. They’re constantly second-guessing themselves or putting their needs aside, but it’s a price they’re willing to pay as long as everyone likes them.
Is this true for you? If so, here’s what your life can look like: your friends pressure you to make fun of the weird girl at school even though you like her. Then your romantic partner poo-poos your dreams to be an artist. Then your co-workers dump their work on you. Then you’re driving your adult children to their jobs when they’re perfectly capable of doing it themselves.
And your life doesn’t feel like yours. You have no time or energy for YOU. You have no preferences, no desires, no interests or opinions of your own. In some ways, you feel like you’ve let yourself down.
So if you feel your personal power is slipping away because you’re trying to please someone else, here are some strategies to gain control and honor your desires:
Who are you trying to please? Do you worry they’ll reject you if you have your own opinions or choose a different path? Where does that fear come from? You were probably conditioned at a young age to behave in certain ways for people to love and accept you. Asking these questions will help you become aware of your fears so you can change them.
What do you want instead? It could be as simple as going to a different restaurant instead of the same one you’ve been going to each and every Friday night. It could be more complex, like living in a different part of town, or going back to school. Give yourself permission to explore other options and discover what’s true for you.
Compromise without losing yourself. Maybe your partner really loves that seafood restaurant, so you can still go there occasionally while you explore other options on other date nights. It doesn’t have to be a zero-sum game where only one person gets their needs met all the time. You can compromise and still get what YOU want, no matter how much pressure you feel to do otherwise.
And if someone doesn’t approve of your choices, and they’re quite vocal about it, let them express themselves. It’ll be tough to hear and you’ll feel the pull to give in… especially if you’re used to doing that. You’ll also think it’s easier that way. But as you practice doing what makes you happy and listening to your inner truth, you’ll find that it’ll get easier to tell people what you want, and their protests won’t affect you as much.
You may feel a twinge of guilt, but it’s only temporary, and it’s better than a lifetime of anxiety and resentment.
Some of the people in your life may want their world – and yours – to function in a certain way. When you honor their needs and disregard your own, you lose your confidence and sense of self. But you can make a different choice! You can be courageous and say no to anything you don’t need or doesn’t feel right, and say yes to what really matters to you and makes your heart sing.
With practice, you’ll see how making choices that feel right to you will help you feel more in control of your time and your life, and bring on the happiness and fulfillment you long for.
