Interview with Relationship Expert Stacey Martino

Fourteen years ago my relationship with Paul was hanging by a thread. During a very raw and painful summer night, he came to see me to find an elegant way of asking me if we could go back to being best friends, because our dating relationship was going so terribly.

In a total breakdown (that surprised me as much as it surprised him), I sobbed uncontrollably.  I describe my reaction as surprising because back then my nickname was “The Ice Princess” and it was a fitting title for me.  That night, something inside of me snapped, and through the tears I had a deep knowing that all the “self-protecting” that I’d done, the walls I put up and the distance I kept, had FAILED. My fail-safes didn’t protect me from having my heart broken. In the same moment, I was also terrified that I would lose the man that I loved without the chance to be my true authentic self with him.

Without any relationship skills (only my raw vulnerability), I poured my soul out to Paul and promised him I would figure out a way to be my real self.  Instead of playing half-assed I’d show up playing “full-assed!” Whatever that meant…

Luckily for me, Paul was deeply moved by my raw vulnerability, which he’d never experienced before.  So I jumped in with both feet. I studied everything I could to transform myself. Some things were incredibly helpful, other things caused a lot of damage. Ultimately, I completely transformed myself, and my transformation shifted Paul. One day he came to me and asked me what I was doing to create such a huge shift for us.

From that day forward, we both dove in by investing 14 years and over six figures to transform our relationship into the magnificent love affair we enjoy today.

Today it is our mission to help every person who wants to transform their relationship and create a magnificent love affair.

 Stacey, I can see that you received powerful gifts from your journey. What would you say is the greatest insight or gift you received from your relationship experience?

There are so many gifts. Life is always giving us experiences to grow into the best versions of ourselves. Some experiences are positive and some are less than positive, but they all serve us.

That summer night with Paul was honestly the most painful and scariest night of my life. It’s hard to explain, but it was like in one night, I felt that everything I “thought I knew” was unraveling. Turns out it was the best thing that could have happened to me. With zero certainty (and unsure of everything I thought I knew); I got real, raw and vulnerable at a really deep level. When I uncovered and shared the authentic ME (the one I had been so afraid to show my whole life), Paul felt drawn to me.

My transparency compelled him to give us another chance, even when he had no idea how things could be any different.  While I didn’t fully learn this lesson during that one night.  In time, the greatest lesson was, “if I am true to myself, people will love the truth in me.”

Stacey, I’ve heard you say “it does not take two to tango”, and you know that’s contrary to everything we are told. Can one person really shift their intimate relationship without the other partner participating? And how can they do this?

Yes, it’s absolutely true. One person is always shifting the dynamics of every relationship and you already know this because you’ve experienced it.

I could be super nice and loving to you, and you are going to respond to me one way.  Then I could be a total bitch to you and make you wish you never got into relationship with me and you are going to respond to me totally differently.  If I stay a bitch consistently through time, ultimately YOU will shift the dynamics of our relationship by distancing yourself or leaving me. I changed, you did not. And yet, my change shifted our relationship significantly.  This is how one person is ALWAYS shifting the dynamics of every relationship. And in intimate relationships, the changes happen much quicker than in any other relationship. The reason is that, in our intimate relationship, we all have a heightened awareness of how our partner is treating us because the stakes are so high.

I empower you to utilize the tools and strategies that really work in creating magnificent intimate relationships.  When you implement those tools to show up differently in your relationship on a consistent basis, you can positively transform your relationship into the relationship you really want!

The truth is, it is VERY rare that both partners in an intimate relationship want to work on the relationship at the same time, with the same solution or methodology.  I’ve found that too many people allow this to keep them stuck, figuring that if their partner doesn’t want to do this with them, then there is nothing they can do.

I transformed my relationship with my husband Paul before he was inspired to join me. Our shared experience is why we strategically designed our Relationship Transformation System™ to empower one partner to transform the relationship without the other partner needing to participate for the process to work.

Stacey, I’ve heard you speak about the problems that come from trying to keep a balanced 50/50 relationship and how that’s one of the things keeping so many people stuck in their intimate relationship. I thought a 50/50 relationship is a good thing? Can you explain what you mean?

I understand. I was raised to believe that a 50/50 relationship was a great thing, something to strive for! Here’s the truth, 50/50 relationships do not create magnificent love affairs.  By definition, a 50/50 (even) relationship involves the process of “measuring” what you are getting back in exchange for what you are giving, unconsciously or consciously.

It’s an “I’ll do this for you and you do that for me” approach.  This is a recipe for disaster in an intimate relationship.  Since you are in relationship with a human being who is not you, they will never be able to “give” to you exactly the way you would give something to yourself.  They are never going to be able to “get it right” for you all the time…not even close.

So, if you are always measuring to make sure that what you are getting back is “even” to what you are giving, the “what I’m getting back” part of that equation is always going to fall short. You will be unhappy, disappointed, resentful, angry, whatever it is for you. By definition, “measuring” is a relationship killer, and literally BLOCKS the process of relationship transformation that everyone wants to experience.

The only formula that works is 100%/100%.  Give your love freely, because you are made to give your love, without measuring what you are getting in return!  It’s ironic, nearly everyone that doesn’t live this way is completely resistant to accepting this…and yet, answer this question for yourself “isn’t that what you want from your lover right now?”  Don’t you want them to give you their love freely without measuring what they are getting back in return? You want to be loved unconditionally, but perhaps you don’t LOVE unconditionally yet.

Stacey in one of our recent chats you spoke about the “passion-less” relationship epidemic and that one of the fundamental causes of this epidemic is the lack of POLARITY, the spark between masculine and feminine energy. Why is this happening and what can we do about it?

In intimate relationship, love comes from sameness. However, passion comes from differences. So unfortunately, in the natural progression of a long term relationship, as we have more in common and go deeper into love, we have fewer differences and the passion fades away.  It doesn’t have to be this way though! You can create a height of passion that matches the depth of your love!

The greatest opportunity we have in intimate relationships to create this passion is through Polarity – the SPARK between the masculine and feminine energies.

Masculine energy or “presence” is that deep, rooted, immovable, decisive, confident energy when a man knows who he is, knows what he wants and won’t let anything stop him from achieving his outcome. This is the masculine presence that every woman craves.  Unfortunately these days, men lack positive role models demonstrating a mature masculine presence.  In an effort to be less threatening and more accepted, many men are disconnected from their masculine presence and have stepped more into their feminine or gentler energy.

Feminine radiance, on the other hand is an OPEN energy. A woman’s feminine radiance stays open, feels everything, gives compassion and it’s an energy that can change direction at any moment. Unfortunately today many women falsely associate femininity with weakness and submission and they have pushed down their feminine energy to step more into their masculine energy. When a woman puts on her masculine mask and picks up her masculine tools, she is greatly rewarded in the workplace, and she also feels safer being more closed and less vulnerable.  I speak from experience; this is where I was stuck years ago. Without many role models of women who are both powerful and fully open in their feminine energy, it’s less than easy for women to embrace their feminine radiance.

With men disconnected from their masculine presence and women suppressing their feminine radiance, the energies have flip-flopped. As a result, the passion has dwindled or fizzled out. When men reconnect to their true masculine presence in a way that serves their woman; and when women fully open to their feminine radiance, the polarity is quickly reignited!! Not only will this put the zing back into your intimate relationship, but when you reconnect to your true core energy, the energy surge that you will feel will rejuvenate and energize your life!

Stacey, thank you so much for the free gift you are offering the Aspire audience so they can begin transforming their relationship right now!

It’s our mission that everyone should walk through each day, completely loved as their most authentic self, invigorated and alive with passion in their intimate relationship. This is not the reality for most people. That is why we are passionate about getting our Relationship Transformation™ gift and offerings to women (and men) around the world.