Do you LONG for the playful, fun, flirting and excitement that you used to have in your relationship?
Sometimes it feels like life has become one GIANT responsibility!
Well, I’m here to tell you that you better start taking your FUN more seriously…your relationship depends on it!
Between the house, the kids, the business, the jobs and everything else … somehow, “having fun, flirting and being playful” flew out the window (a long time ago).
We’re just going around and round on the hamster wheel of life – making sure it all gets done, and that everything and everyone is taken care of. (Everything except ourselves and our intimate relationship!)
We’re stuck in what I call, ‘over-responsibility’!
We lose the fun, playfulness, and the flirting energy that characterized our relationship in the past – when it was new and exciting, or before we had kids.
A lot of well-intentioned, good, responsible people get stuck in the perspective that flirting is just silly, and they don’t have time for that with everything they’ve got going on!
“Stacey, you have NO idea how much I’m trying to juggle,” students lament all of the time!
But I DO get it!
I’m married, we’re raising 2 kids, we have a very busy business to run, we’re managing a household… trust me, we’re BUSY! And that’s how I know that the BUSIER you are, the more IMPORTANT it is to start taking your fun more seriously! Your health, your frame of mind, and the success of all of your relationships depend on it!
Here’s why…
Flirting and playfulness is the ENERGY that creates the opportunity for SEX. Said differently, when we stop being PLAYFUL and flirtatious with our partner, it creates a HURDLE that we have to OVERCOME later to initiate sex.
Sex starts to feel like more of a CHORE. Switching from “getting everything done” energy to “let’s get it on” energy feels clunky, forced and uncomfortable.
So, when the flirting and playfulness start to fade, the frequency and enjoyment of sex start to decrease to.
Until it becomes like another to-do on your list and just drops off your list, and you pretty much stop having sex (or you go so long that you are not sure how to re-start it).
When two people lose the PASSION energy in their relationship, the begin to lead what I call “parallel lives”.
You live under the same roof and you go through the motions each day. You might even be really good parents together and good friends.
But here’s the challenge. TIME sets in.
Over time, when you are no longer sharing sex with the ONE person you are allowed to have sex with, upset and rejection starts to set in. Over time, rejection builds to resentment.
This is very dangerous for a relationship. Resentment is like the “death rattle” of love.
The buildup of bad feelings damages your relationship and will ultimately destroy it to the point where you can’t even be friends.
This is why I say…. You better start taking your FUN more seriously, because your relationship depends on it!
Don’t make the BIG mistake that most people make in this situation…don’t focus your efforts on trying to have SEX with your partner to fix this. SEX is a big hurdle to start with. It can feel insurmountable and it has a lot of energy tied to it for both of you. (I’ll talk about how to bring the sex back, increase the frequency and improve the ecstasy in my next column.)
Then HOW do you bring the passion back? Answer: Bring the fun, playfulness and flirting back into your relationship!
Where to start?
Step #1: Make it a priority!
Most people put being fun and playful at the bottom of a list of things that they never get to. If you want to bring more fun, playfulness and flirting into your relationship, the first step is for you to DECIDE that it’s valuable!
Don’t listen to that “drunk monkey” ego voice in your head that tells you it’s stupid, or that you are too busy for that or that you won’t be taken seriously.
DECIDE. Right now, that you want to BE fun, playful and flirty and that it’s a priority for you.
Step #2: Date Your Husband!
So, let me ask you… when was the last time you went out on a date with your spouse?
I’m talking about the kind where there was lots of flirting, and energy, and fun, and tons of laughter? Where you treated it like you would a first date – doing your hair, putting on makeup, and wearing sexy grownup clothes that you wouldn’t wear around the house to clean or take care of the kids? Where you spent time fantasizing about where it might lead afterward?
Now, you might have been on some dates, but ask yourself honestly….
How many times in the last month have you been on a date like THAT?
None?
If the answer is none, then as my daughter would say, “That’s N’OK!”
You MUST date your partner – it’s not optional!
It’s not like organizing your linen closet or your pantry – where you’ll get to it when you have time! You must MAKE time.
Dating your partner is not an optional piece if you want to create an unshakable love and unleashed passion! It’s not something you can put to the side until you have time, because guess what? That’s NEVER going to happen!
Who the hell has time?! It’s not going to magically appear. We all have the same 24 hours in a day! Trust me, I’m as busy as anyone else!! AND… I always make time to date Paul (every week).
Dating is something you have to deliberately schedule and make time for.
Today, I’m going to share a few tools and strategies for how to date your partner and have a ROCKIN’, awesome time!
But before I do, I need to talk to you about the difference between ‘dating’ and ‘going out’!
When I first explain that they need to date their partner, my students will say,
“Oh…. Yeah, we go out….”
The energy behind that statement is lame enough to let me know they DEFINITELY haven’t been on a date!
There is a HUGE difference between the energy of just ‘going out’ and going on a date!
You can go out by just physically leaving your house with your partner next to you.
When you go out, you might still be dressed in the same clothes that you were wearing when you were with the kids all day.
When you go out, you might talk about all of the same things you were back at the house. You’re just not being interrupted every 3 seconds by the kids!
When you go out, you can have a meal together – but you might not even talk to each other at all. Strangers observing you wouldn’t even know you’re a couple!
Dating is completely different than that!
DRESS
I tell my students all the time that you do not go out on a date in the same clothes that you would wear to take your kids to their soccer game or to the grocery store! Yoga pants, messy bun, and a stained shirt are not dating attire!
There’s such a difference in what I wear out on a date with my husband Paul, that when my daughter was young, she’d see me and say, “Mommy, that outfit is not ‘appropriated’ for you!” Ha ha!
I would tell her, “I’m going out with my husband, sweetie. It’s not Mom time, it’s wife time.” And she’d say, “OH! Ok.”
Now, I’m not saying that super sexy clothes have to be your flavor of feminine energy – everyone has a different flavor. Think back to how you dressed when you were first dating…and then dress even better than that!
The important thing is to have fun with it. Wear whatever makes you feel beautiful. It’s not about a look – it’s about wearing whatever will help you approach dating with a ‘dating energy’.
ENERGY
The energy on a date is playful, fun, flirty and electric!
Start out by going back to the energy you brought to it when you first started dating your partner – but up-level it!
There’s so much more depth to the relationship you have today! You’re so much more developed, and authentic, and juicy as the woman you are today! Bring THAT version of yourself to your dating.
Get yourself into state before your date! Put on some fun music while getting ready, and get back to that fun, flirty and playful YOU!
TALK
Here’s the Golden Rule of Dating Conversation: No Kids, No Biz, No House!
That’s right, you cannot talk about the kids, work/business or the house on your date!
Seriously.
I can hear you now, “Stacey, what the hell are we going to talk about?”
Haha! No worries, I’ve got you covered!
Go to Amazon.com and type in “Table Topics for Couples.”
Keep them in your dating purse (that’s not a diaper bag!) Then, when you are out on a date, pull out one of these Table Topic cards and ask the question on the card. It will start a conversation with your partner that is about YOU and YOUR partner – a PERSONAL conversation!
It’s a great way to spark conversations about what’s REAL and get you back to having those fun, deep, exciting and interesting conversations you used to have when you were still getting to know each other!
You can look in every one of my numerous ‘dating’ purses and you will find at least 5 or 6 of these cards stuffed into the pockets!
Order them now, they will be here before your date!
Your assignment, should you choose to accept it: plan a date for you and your partner right now! Schedule it, plan it, make the reservations, get the sitter, tell them to block their calendar and make it happen! Do whatever it takes to start taking your FUN way more seriously sweetie!!!!
And if you need help figuring out how to find the time, or date when finances are tight, or overcoming any other obstacle to dating, we invite you to check out our Quick Start program, where we devote an entire Module to helping our students overcome those challenges!
