As a solo business owner working from home, it’s easy for “cabin fever” to set in so I often jump at any opportunity to attend parties, network and be involved with the various women associations I belong to.

I truly love doing this because it exposes me to a large and diverse group of women – helping me stay closely connected with the real issues and challenges women are currently experiencing with men. The collective cry I hear from many women is: “Enough is enough, I’m ready to meet my man and he’s not showing up, what am I doing wrong?!”

I understand how frustrating it can be. You’ve been through enough relationships at this point to know exactly what you want. You want a man who is evolved, open to growing, respects you, can blend into your life/family/ friends, makes you feel safe and communicates his feelings. A real bona fide King.

If you’re screaming “Yes Kim! But does that kind of man actually exist??!”

Whoa, slow down my friend. I’m getting to that.

You see, great men do exist, but it’s possible that you may be getting in your own way.

Myself, I used to enter into relationships like an innocent, naive child. Every guy I dated I labelled “the one”. I remember bringing home each boyfriend and confiding to my mother “I know I’ve said it before Mama, but this guy is going to be the one I marry!”

But, sure enough, a few months into it, I would suddenly realize I wasn’t getting my needs met and – BAM! – I would wake up, realize he wasn’t the guy for me and start planning my exit strategy. After doing much inner work, it became clear this pattern kept repeating because I didn’t feel worthy enough to ask for what I wanted from men.

The result of this was a disaster. My low self esteem kept running the show and would continually set me up to attract either emotionally unavailable men or turn perfectly good “princes” into frogs. I couldn’t figure out how it was possible that I could be an outgoing, confident woman in other areas of my life, yet in relationship, I fell apart and kept getting my heart broken.

This pattern scared me in a big way. If I didn’t learn how to heal this and raise my self esteem, I feared I was going to be left behind and never have access to the exclusive “happy couples club” all my friends belonged to.

After experiencing this in my own life and coming through the other side, I can easily recognize when this pattern is activated in other women. If you’re struggling in romance, I guarantee it’s because your self -esteem is running the show.

I didn’t start having fulfilling relationships with men until I stopped showing up like a naive child and instead entered relationships as a mature adult woman – a queen! I raised my self worth and learned how to love myself – giving me the confidence to communicate what I needed. Eventually, I became queen of my own heart and never looked back.

Today, I’d like to share part of an exercise I use with my private clients program. If you’re feeling stuck in romance or experiencing low self esteem, this exercise will begin the process of shifting this for you and help you step into more of your own inner queen energy.

Exercise for Healing

Step 1. Take some quiet time and list out where “not good enough” has affected your past or current relationships. Resist the temptation to get down on yourself! Be objective and look where you have or are undervaluing yourself, compromised or made decisions from a place of low self-esteem/ not good enough and allow the list to flow.

Step 2. Now, ask yourself “How has this belief served me?” I know it might seem like a strange question to ask, but if you look back and observe the most challenging times in your life – they ultimately made you stronger and/or a better woman, yes? Go within and find the gifts you received as a result. Maybe having one or two bad relationships taught you how to be more discerning about men – that would be a great result.

Step 3. Once this is complete and you’ve discovered all the amazing lessons you learned, take a separate piece of paper and write out what NEW beliefs about yourself you are going to create that WILL serve you. For example, you may decide to activate the belief in your life and relationships that you are “worthy of love” or “I am good enough to have__________”(fill in the blank)

Doing this exercise is incredibly powerful and liberating. I highly recommend and invite you to repeat these steps every time you sense a limiting belief is activated. This way, you can quickly release it and go on to bigger and better things – like being Queen of your own heart!

“Faith is a process as well as a desired outcome.

It is the foundation for personal transformation.” Mal Duane

Unhappy in my own skin for many years, I would wake up every day virtually paralyzed by my own fears. I would be tormented by the possibility that people would discover I was a fake; that I wasn’t whom I pretended to be. The persona I projected was this happy, fun-loving, care free, extremely funny girl who acted as though she had the world at her feet. But behind the happy mask that I wore for so many years was a deeply depressed and dependent soul, searching to be loved. I would drink to feel good about myself and suppress the pain, but after a while the numbing effects didn’t work. I became depressed and fearful all the time. My mask was gone.

On December 30, 1989 – my last day of drinking – I thought I couldn’t continue. I did not see many options available to me. Death was starting to look like a pretty good one when, in one of my daily meditations, I heard a voice I had never heard before giving me instructions. I was told that if I learned some very specific lessons, my life would be amazing — so I gave into faith and I listened.

That was the first day of the rest of my life. On that day I started on a journey of personal transformation and empowerment and I have never looked back. This journey, which led to the creation of the Alpha Chick Process, was driven by faith.  

I have chronicled this journey in my new book Alpha Chick: Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power. Here I write about the ethos of the Alpha Chick Process and how you, too, can apply the Five Steps of Faith to affect positive change in your life. The Alpha Chick Process readily divides into five distinct stages, or steps, each of which includes its own unique actions. I’d like to share with you how they came about:

One particular morning during my daily meditation, the message was powerful and clear that faith in a power greater than myself, but which was also inherently within me, and part of my nature, was the foundation of personal transformation. I realized that it was faith that had allowed me to go within and listen to the voice of the divine presence that freed me from self-imposed limitations. This helped me to better understand what had happened during my personal epiphany on my last day of drinking. On that day, I knew death was close and sought God’s help to save me. In that moment, I made a profound connection to the divine presence within myself and experienced a “soul knowing” of its existence, which I refer to as “faith.” Suddenly I was no longer riddled by emotional pain, and I experienced an inexplicable knowledge that I had nothing to fear. When I surrendered in faith, God gave me the insight and the courage to see what I had to do to heal my life. When I let go of my ego and recognized the divine presence within, my new journey toward empowered wholeness began. The light of faith made my path visible to me.

So it is not surprising that the message I received that day in meditation went on to indicate that there are five steps to healing and that their names spell out the word faith:

1. Focus
2. Acceptance and Attitude
3. Identification and Intention
4. Thoughts
5. Healing and Helping

These 5 steps will help you clarify who and what you want.  They will help you to release limiting behaviors that continue to cause you pain. They will help you set intentions for new action steps to create the life you want.

Focus:
Whether it’s through meditation, prayer, or writing; find a way to connect with your inner voice – your higher power. It is inside of you, and you’ll know it when you find it, because it’ll just “feel right.”  Take the time to ask yourself poignant and revealing questions and your subconscious will make room for the answers. Your transformation begins when you have the courage to honestly examine your beliefs and addictive behaviors – and this is what Focus is all about.

Acceptance and Attitude:
In life, we can cling to denial so vehemently, that it may become all we know. It blocks out positive energy and binds us to the past. The main idea behind the Acceptance & Attitude step is to finally identify and accept what has happened in your past and stop resisting it, so you can approach life with a new attitude. Once you accept what has happened to you, you’ll notice that your attitude will change almost immediately.

Identification & Intention:
In this step, I will encourage you to identify 3 things negative behaviors that block your potential, then set intentions for positive actions so you can change them. The main idea behind the Identification & Intention step is to map out ways to actively change your life within the Mental/Emotional, Spiritual, Financial/Career and Physical realms. By setting intentions and actively seeking to change your life, you will learn to work positively and consistently to get the things you want out of life, whether it is a new love, a bigger house, a better relationship with your boss, or a closer bond with your family.

Thoughts:
You’ll notice, especially as you work through the 5 Steps of Faith, that you tend to repeat patterns in your life. One of those patterns is reverting back to past negative feelings when you are in a place of insecurity. In this step, I ask you to shift your thoughts to the present when you find yourself reverting to past pessimistic thoughts and damaging feelings. We’ll identify these self-defeating thoughts, and discover ways to deal with them, including creating affirmations to help you shift from the past back to the present

Healing and Helping:
When you reach this step in the Alpha Chick Process, I encourage you to share this knowledge and help other women learn to tap into their power. To continue to heal, you must reach out and help others with their journey.
I embarked upon step 5 when I decided to write my personal story and share it with the world. How you decide to teach other women is up to you. It could be one person at a time, or it could be more. Start by identifying one activity of service that you would like to perform, then identify an individual that you think would benefit from the 5 Steps of Faith in the Alpha Chick Process. As you discover new ways to reach people and share your knowledge, you will become more and more focused, enlightened and powerful.

As I described in my book, Alpha Chick:
Consistently following these faith-filled steps has changed my life dramatically and infused my existence with a joy and well-being that previously I would never have thought possible. I have been able to change the way I see my world and the way I live my life. Most importantly, my identity and my life are no longer defined by the experiences of my past. I refused to let my negative emotions control my life, and I gave up self-sabotaging habits such as alcohol and destructive relationships. These changes brought about a huge mental and emotional shift that gave me the freedom to live a life I had only dared to dream about instead of the life I thought I had no control over because of my negative choices and past experiences.”

Faith is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end, of where all the Alpha Chick steps lead. As always, from the beginning of the world, faith is a mystery. Like electricity, you can’t explain it or see it but you can definitely feel its effects. You know when it is working.

Faith is both the process and the outcome. It directs and enables you to go within to find the power with which you were born. It shows you how to align yourself with God. With faith, you are able to see beyond the appearances of this world and connect with the underlying force for good in your life. In so doing, you become empowered to be the woman you were meant to be, an Alpha Chick living life at your full potential, surrounded by love, joy, and abundance.”

Do you ever feel like you are going in a hundred different directions but not really going anywhere? Maybe you run upstairs to do something, only to forget what you were going to do. You start doing something else, and then abandon that project when you think of something else that needs to be done. Perhaps you’re busy all day but have nothing to show for your busyness. This is what I call “The Scatter Brain Syndrome”, or in layman’s terms, lack of focus.

The Scatter Brain Syndrome happens to all of us, but fortunately there are some quick fixes to this challenge.

Have a Specific Plan for Each Day
Before you begin your day, know exactly what you want to accomplish and what’s on your agenda. Pretend your day is over and ask yourself what you need to feel like you had a productive and focused day. What is most important to you for this particular day only?

Pick 3 or 4 Tasks/Activities from your “To Do” List
Many of us have a huge ongoing “to do” list we work from. We add tasks to it at a much faster rate than we delete them. Looking at a large list can be distracting and overwhelming; this will interfere with your ability to focus. Pick 3 or 4 tasks you would like to focus on for the day and write them on a separate piece of paper, on a white board, an index card, in your planner or some other place that is separate from your big list. Focus ONLY on those tasks for the day.

Minimize Distractions
Everything and everyone is fighting for our attention. If you are trying to finish something, and the phone rings, don’t answer it, unless it is an important phone call. If you can’t screen your phone calls, learn to tell people you are in the middle of something and you’ll call them back. Save television and internet surfing as rewards for completing the tasks you want to do. Use a timer to let small children know when you will be available to play, talk to them while you’re finishing a task, or get them involved.

Stop Multi-tasking
You might be proud of the fact that you can multi-task; I know I was, but multi-tasking keeps your brain going in too many directions. Start and finish a task before you move on to the next one.

Take Breaks
I know; you probably think you don’t have time to take breaks, but what if it made you more focused and productive? During your five to ten minute breaks, spend some time meditating and clearing your mind. Don’t sit and think about all the things you need to do. Relax and let your mind rest.

Minimize Stress
Stress can create a scattered brain so you need to find ways to minimize it. The two best natural antidotes to stress are sleep and exercise. When you are tired, your coping mechanisms get weak. My doctor has always told me that exercise is the best natural antidepressant on the market.

Add Fish Oil to Your Diet
Adding Omega 3′s to your diet has significant health benefits. Fish oil has long been considered by doctors around the world to be one of the most effective remedies for many health related issues, including depression, improving memory and concentration, as well as ADHD. You can read more about the benefits of fish oil on Dr. Barry Sears’s website.

Keep an Accomplishment Journal
Sometimes it feels like we have The Scatter Brain Syndrome, when in reality, we’ve accomplished more than we think. At the end of your day, keep a journal of everything you did that day.

• Did a load of laundry
• Paid the bills
• Went to work
• Played a game with the kids
• Called a friend
• Changed the baby’s diaper 5 times
• And so on

An accomplishment journal helps you focus on what you did do, instead of what you didn’t. Put your energy in the right place and give yourself the credit you deserve.

A scatter brain does not mean you are doomed to a life of forgetfulness, lack of productivity or concentration. It probably means you’re pretty normal, but you may need to try some new antidotes to The Scatter Brain Syndrome.

Are negative thoughts and energy habits keeping you from a happy and abundant future? Unwittingly, you may be an UnConscious Creator rather than a Conscious Creator. UnConscious Creators can’t comprehend why their life is falling apart, why their employment is unsatisfying, and why they can’t find the right partner. They feel angry, victimized and depressed. UnConscious Creators are accidentally manifesting their own misery!

On the other hand, Conscious Creators have a clear vision for what they want, and have faith that everything will turn out all right. They continuously emit kind, loving, positive energy—regardless of what happens. Not everything goes perfectly for Conscious Creators, but their trajectory remains in a positive direction. When confronted with a challenge, Conscious Creators recognize they have a choice in how they handle it — both in their emotional and real worlds. With this enlightened outlook and vision, they contribute to manifesting a better world for everyone! Conscious Creators allow their positive energy to open amazing pathways for them!

But don’t be discouraged. It’s just a short trip from being unconscious to becoming a Conscious Creator, master of your own future.  If you wish to join the ranks of Conscious Creators visualizing and manifesting a satisfying life, you must leave behind negative “energy habits.”

Here are 12 ways to accomplish that:

Switching Thoughts — Monitor your thoughts. If you’re thinking something negative, flip it around to a positive. Change from: “I hate that my vacation was cancelled” to “Now I can tour those museums near my home that I’ve wanted to see for a long time.” Switch from: “I got dumped by my boyfriend” to “I learned a lot in that relationship and look forward to applying it positively in the next one.” Don’t fixate, dwell or rehash the past. Don’t blame, fume, pass judgment or feel victimized. Instead, feel empowered to act with positive intent. Think how you can become a more compassionate, better person for yourself and others. Be the upbeat, positive person everyone likes to have around — the person seemingly blessed by the world. The path to a promising future starts in your mind.

Change Your Words-- Your mind must guide your tongue. Before speaking, think. Instead of saying things that imply your own limitations and failures — or someone else’s — choose carefully the words you use. Put them in a positive light. Speak with endless possibility and faith in the future. Refrain from expressing complaints or gossip. Speak with consideration for others and use words to create a positive bridge, even when there is disagreement. Words that flow from your mouth should be the footsteps to a great future.

Go for a Walk -- Keeping on the topic of footsteps…If you feel a funk coming on, go for a walk. Use the stroll not to dwell, but to adjust attitude. Listen to the birds, look at the trees and adore the sun. Think how wonderful life is and how you can make it better. Let the emotion relax you. Allow the goodwill to wash over you. If music makes you upbeat, walk with your iPod tuned to your favorite songs.

Love the Moment/Be in the Moment -- To stop negative rehashing of the past or fixation on the future, do something novel—BE IN THE MOMENT. Listen to what’s going on around you, take a deep breath, smell the roses, cuddle your pooch. Enjoy that very moment and love it for being present.

Imagine Joy — Maybe it wasn’t a great day, but let’s still imagine joy. Kick up your feet and recall some fantastic moment in your life. Better yet, create a vision of the future that will bring joy. Allow yourself to revel in that experience. The emotion of joy will attract even more joy.

Conduct Random Acts of Kindness — Really want to feel good about life? Then help somebody. It may be someone you know and love, or a person you’ve never met. Just be nice and it will raise your positive energy. Do it more than once and it’ll become habitual in a good way!

Walk a Mile in Someone Else’s Shoes -- Before jumping down someone’s throat, put yourself in their shoes. Maybe that person has an ill family member, hasn’t had the benefit of your level of education, or came from a different culture with unique values. It is always better to initiate interaction from a position of understanding and compassion, and your own stock will rise in goodwill and positive energy.

Surf the Love Vibration — Conscious Creators generate waves of love in their world. Be kind and loving. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Don’t forget to love yourself. Surfing the Love Vibration lets you resonate with the Universe and ride the wave of goodwill, good fortune and joy.

Interact with High Energy People — Change the folks you hang out with. Find people who are upbeat, optimistic, thoughtful and kind. Look for fellow Conscious Creators…they may teach you something!

Be True to Yourself -- If you are dissatisfied with your career, relationships, your status in the world; leave behind that which troubles you by finding a new path; or change the situation using positive thoughts, energy, deeds and diplomacy. Most of all, be true to you and don’t be afraid to ditch a miserable situation. Be honest with yourself about what is and isn’t working in your life.

Give Yourself a Break — Negative energy isn’t always directed outward. Remember to not be too hard on yourself. Forgive yourself; recognize that it’s OK to be “imperfect” and that you are truly an amazing being! Go ahead and ask your friends what they love about you.

Present an Attitude of Gratitude — Count your blessings each and every day. Say thanks to the Universe for all the good in your life, and remember how incredibly fortunate you really are.

Do these things and you’ll clear the path to becoming a Conscious Creator, manifesting the future you desire!

You have no idea how strangely magical you are.

Most of us could never imagine the fire and promise we hold. We live in a culture that tells us to be “realistic.” That means dampen our enthusiasms and compromise our vision. We are encouraged to bow to the known world, and shun our unknown powers. But that’s not why we’re here. We’re here to listen to our inspired hearts, spread our full peacock feathers, and awaken the invincible love inside us. We’re here to discover, express, and unleash our true capacity.

When you follow inspiration, you follow an invitation to be more than you knew you were. You tap unlimited powers. You can sing, you can heal, you can run a business, and you can meet the people you need to meet. It’s where you take a different track and love replaces fear and ease eclipses struggle. Julia Cameron writes “Our dreams come from a divine source. Moving in the direction of our dreams moves us toward our divinity.” Yet, how many of us, in the name of safety, have spent a life time trying to put a cork on the genie? But that which fascinates you grants you wings. Anything you love holds power. There are miracles waiting for you in the “forbidden country” of your true desires.

But most of us deny our inspired selves. We choose tired lives instead. I know I did. I had always wanted to be a writer, but like many creative individuals, I was told that writing wouldn’t make me money. Surely, it would make me take heroin or date someone other than a lawyer or a dentist. That’s the message I got growing up in Brooklyn, New York with practical and opinionated Orthodox Jewish parents.

With buried dreams, I slogged through Harvard Law School. Later, I worked for a huge corporate law firm. Then one day, I just couldn’t go on. I didn’t want to live one more day as a lawyer, no matter how much money I made. I felt as though I was dying. I thought I was broken, wounded, and incapable of a normal adult life. I didn’t know I was falling apart, because there was another part of myself that was so strong and filled with love and creativity it couldn’t bear one more day of denying its true life and contribution. That was the day I felt this wildness in my bones I didn’t understand and I couldn’t control. That was the day I met my secret self.

Rufus Wainwright wrote about the secret self like this: “Someone I am is waiting for courage. The one I want, the one I will become will catch me.” That’s how this works. We are drawn to where we belong. When we crave something we think is impossible, that’s Brilliant Life handing us a holy invitation. Our desires are our doorways. They lead us into a new world, a new way of being in this world, and with new powers to bring to this world.

But again I didn’t know any of this when I felt like I was falling apart. I discovered it when I quit my legal career to explore writing. I spent 12 years writing my first book This Time I Dance! Creating the Work you Love, without a publisher or an agent. I began to support myself by teaching classes in creative writing, creating the work you love, and the spiritual program A Course in Miracles, along with waiting tables or doing legal research. Despite the persistent shadows and fears, I found this woman who consistently dared to trust her instincts more than facts. I’d never met this woman before. Somehow, she sprung forth, a fierce emotional warrior, from my dedication to writing. Perhaps it’s because writing brought me sweeping joy and joy gave me a new sense of direction, authority, and stamina. And when I landed a major publishing contract with Tarcher/Penguin the publishing house of my dreams, I wept with gratitude.

It was so much more than just getting a book deal, which was my dearest dream. It was that I had this presence inside me who could guide me anywhere, into any territory, in a way that felt natural and unassailable to me. I had never even thought to dream of having this kind of strength. The Divine had finally become real to me. I could finally feel the Love of the Universe because I was doing something that I loved. Sometimes, you just don’t know what’s in your tool kit until you try a different tool. I urge you to put down the hammer of “practicality.” Do something you love for just an hour and see if you don’t feel safer and fuller in your life.

Sometimes you don’t know your secrets yet, because you haven’t found what interests you. But once you encounter what absorbs you, the laws of gravity flutter, your cells twitter into champagne bubbles, and your identity changes. Albert Einstein was actually considered to be mentally slow. But at the age of 14, someone gave him a book about geometry. Einstein devoured it. Linda Kavelin Popov writes, “It was as if his mind was awakened from after a long sleep. He became a voracious reader of books on philosophy. He went on to teach at Princeton University, discover the theory of relativity and unlock the secrets of the universe.” Einstein originally seemed like a misfit. Yet his secret self was a philosophic and scientific genius, only requiring his true interests to unlock his great nature.

This secret self still never ceases to amaze me. If you told me years ago, that I’d not only have the courage to write a book on my own for 12 years, but later I’d travel around the country speaking to thousands, I would have told you it was impossible. I have anxiety issues, for God’s sake. I’m Jewish and rational and trained to think like a lawyer, someone who sees the liabilities lurking in absolutely everything. And yet, here I am jumping on planes, walking alone in new cities, stepping up to the mike, and telling thousands of people that you “can’t plan an inspired life.” Who is this woman I wonder? And yet I know. She is the woman I was born to be. She is the woman who is born in me because I’m inspired, aligned and enflamed by love, clarity, creativity and conviction. I know I will discover more resources as I deepen. I love this adventure of discovering new engines, wings, and veins of gold.

Years ago, I witnessed the perfect metaphor for this secret self. I live in Colorado where it tends to be sunny and dry. One year we got more moisture than usual. Later that week, I had new plants present themselves in my garden. They just sprung up. Of course when I saw these new flowers that I’d never planted, I wondered if I hadn’t been blessed by the handiwork of urban fairies. But a gardener friend had another explanation. She told me that the seeds had always been there. Until now, they hadn’t gotten sufficient moisture. But with the new weather conditions, the seeds had finally gotten what they needed to grow into their potential.

The seeds had always been there.

And so it is with you. You are meant to flourish. And if you give yourself the right conditions, you will unfurl, surprise and delight yourself. Inspiration calls you to surpass your present conditions, and blossom into your whole self, your true unassailable nature. It’s not a life of holding on to what you know, but daring to discover the abundance that you do not know.

I urge you to embody all that you were born to be. You have so many more resources than you know.

“I discovered that people are not really afraid of dying; they’re afraid of not ever having lived, not ever having deeply considered their life’s higher purpose, and not ever having stepped into that purpose and at least tried to make a difference in this world.” — Joseph Jaworski

You come to this life on earth with specific talents and intentions. Through your inner guidance you begin to understand and use these gifts. You come here with an assignment, or a life purpose, if you will. It may be the task of raising a family, transforming a business, communicating your ideas as a teacher, or being a leader in your community.

Your task may be a massive one such as raising the level of constructive communication between warring countries, or awakening a consciousness of love and forgiveness in a segment of the population. Whatever purpose your soul has come to unfold, through your Divine intuition you are given guidance and life experiences that will prepare you to fulfill it.

Many people assume this calling is a job or profession they are here to fulfill. Sometimes our purpose is not a thing we need to do, but a attribute we need to develop in order for our soul to unfold and grow to the next level. Through a physical disability you might learn to let others help you or, conversely, learn to help yourself. You may have grown up in an abusive home and learned about compassion and forgiveness. In many sessions with clients I’ll sense a quality that they’re here to develop, such as resiliency, persistence or bravery.

Following are some other common life lessons. This is not meant to be a comprehensive list of life purposes but rather an overview of possibilities. As you read these, see if any of them resonate with you. The purpose of your life may be to:

•    Heal a relationship with another individual or group of individuals.
•    Develop a specific characteristic such as love, mercy, hope, compassion, endurance, courage or confidence.
•    Invent a service or product that will help and assist individuals.
•    Create works of art and beauty to help heal the souls of others.
•    Open your heart after an experience of loss and be a model for helping others do the same.
•    Display courage, honesty or honor during a personal or professional difficulty.
•    Foster open and non-judgmental communication within a family, neighborhood, office, or in the world at large.
•    Aid in the spiritual development of others.
•    Create a strong family in order to foster the life purpose of yourself, your spouse and/or your children.
•    Release a focus on fear, worry and anxiety and transform it with the qualities of love, patience and faith.

When you know your life purpose, you tap into a source of power that enables you to achieve your goals more easily and effectively. Susan Jeffers, the author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, wrote, “We become powerful in the face of our fears when we have a sense that we make a difference in this world.” As your purpose in life evolves you’ll find yourself with more clarity, energy and abundance.

Remember that your life purpose needn’t be a huge project or undertaking. It may be a quality you develop or a gift you share with your immediate family and community. Listen to the still, small voice within and allow it to show you your purpose.

I was about to nod off on the stuffy, crowded airplane as the flight attendant began her safety demonstration. Snapping the seat-belt buckle tightly, then releasing the latch with practiced deftness, she smiled down the aisle of the airless cabin. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Put your own mask on first before attempting to help anyone else.”

Having logged hundreds of thousands of air miles in my lifetime, I have heard that line more times than I can count. But that day, crammed into a window seat overlooking the rolling tarmac, I really heard it.

In order to help someone else, I first had to take care of myself. I first needed to have enough oxygen in my own mind and body before I could even think about giving anyone assistance. As I pondered this seemingly new information, I realized that when I chose to skip my workout to meet a work deadline, or rushed through a less-than-ideal meal to save time for something I deemed more

important that my own nutrition,  I was not contributing to that which was my highest good. What I had were seemingly good excuses for not taking the time and energy to nurture and care for myself. In my naïveté I believed that putting myself first meant that I was self-centered, or, dare I say it, egotistical.

When my husband Brian and I first began living together, I began to notice his patterns. Every morning he would wake up happy somewhere between 4:30 and 6:00 a.m. He would make his coffee, eat a small breakfast, read the paper, and then go workout for around two hours. Brian was and is one of the most consistent people I have ever met. Brian already knew that by focusing on taking care of himself—body, mind, and spirit—he fills himself up and has more to give me and everyone around him.

All too often we look to the other person in our relationships to provide everything we need for our keys to happiness. But by looking within and realizing the power we have over our own circumstances, we pave the way for a happier and healthier relationship.

Make Yourself Happy

Barack and Michelle Obama married in 1992 and began building a life together in Chicago. Michelle was the major breadwinner, while Barack began his political career. Several of their biggest issues surfaced early: They both had major debt in the form of student loans. While she handled the family finances, he was downright cavalier with money. He was also a chain smoker and a slob. He thought nothing of leaving his clothes strewn about and wet towels on the floor.

Several years later, while he was heavily engaged in his political career in Springfield, Michelle was in Chicago, working full-time, raising two young girls, and home alone each night, feeling tired, angry, abandoned, overworked, and out of shape.

She was also very concerned that they would have to someday file for bankruptcy.

“He seems to think he can just go out there and pursue his dream and leave all the heavy lifting to me,” she complained to her mother.

From Barack’s point of view, he was focused on the big picture and felt that many of her complaints were petty.

“I love Michelle,” he shared with his grandmother “Toot,” “but she’s killing me with this constant criticism.”

They were at a crisis point.

Early one morning around 4:30, as Barack lay next to her soundly asleep, Michelle suddenly realized that if she simply got up and went to the gym to reclaim her workouts, he would be forced to take care of the kids when they got up. She tiptoed out and headed for the gym. Sure enough when she returned, the girls were fed and all was well.

From that day on, whenever Barack was home, this became her new routine.

Michelle began to take a new approach to the problems in her marriage. As the saying attributed to Sister Mary Tricky goes, “If you really want to be happy, no one can stop you.” Michelle had been waiting for Barack to be the one to change, but she now saw that she had to stop being mad at him and start problem solving. Slowly but surely, she began to cobble together the resources she needed to make herself happy. That meant finding ways to create more time and space for herself. Michelle finally took her mother up on her long-standing offer to help her take care of the kids. She also found a new job with higher pay and less stress. Being married to a politician certainly required some sacrifice, but just as often she told her husband, “I’m not doing this by myself.”

She insisted that Sundays be reserved as family day and that Barack make the time to be actively involved in the girls’ lives, attending parent-teacher conferences and recitals. She brought structure where chaos once reigned.

With the same determination she had brought to everything in life, she found a way to live this dream while keeping herself, her marriage, and her family happy and fulfilled.

As Michelle Obama discovered, it’s about knowing that our happiness is up to us. Our happiness resides within us, and the choices we make, like the one to put our own oxygen mask on first, lie within our realm of responsibility. It requires deep listening to the requests whispered by our souls.

We were all raised with many misbegotten myths about “happily ever after” only to discover that our princess or knight in shining armor arrived with some serious baggage and dents. Shedding the fantasies of what we hoped our mates would be while shining a loving and bright light on the beauty of who they really are is the true path to happiness and contentment.

———————-

The above excerpt is adapted from the new book Wabi Sabi Love: The Ancient Art of Finding Perfect Love in Imperfect Relationships by Arielle Ford. Reprinted with the permission of HarperOne. ©2012.

You are the best!  It’s time to believe that of yourself!

When was the last time you told yourself how terrific you are?  When did you last honor your competence, beauty, intelligence, resilience, contributions and strengths? If you’re like most of us, you’re quick to point out your shortcomings or something you did that was ‘stupid’.  How often do you stop and acknowledge yourself for all your incredible qualities or do you hesitate from doing so?  Why?

Many years ago, a dear friend sent me a wonderful document.  As together, we begin a new year, this is the perfect time to pass it along.  Perhaps you’ll choose to begin each day reading this message affirming magnificent you.

I Am You
I am loving, caring and sharing.  I can be counted on to make a difference.  I can be counted on to be a contribution to myself, to my family, to my community and to our world.  I am abundantly blessed.  I lovingly share my blessings and my blessings multiply.  I am at peace.  I share my peace in the world.  I share my finances.  I give of my time and talent.  I contribute my energy and spirit.  I am joyous to see my choices enrich the lives of others.  I am proud to help create a foundation that stands for service to others.  I live in an abundant universe.  An abundant universe lives in me.  I am blessed.  I choose to bless others.  I am created out of love.  I freely share the love in me.  My word is my bond.  I am responsible, reliable and accountable.  I am integrity.  I am unified with friends, family and community.  We are one.  I love my country and all of humanity.  I am strong in support.  I am inspired by the Spirit.  I am powerful.  I am the Creator’s voice, hands and feet.  I am a citizen of the world.  I am one with a divine idea whose time has come!
   

The personal benefit in acknowledging yourself is enormous.  Not only does it increase your self-worth, it also eliminates the negative things we say to ourselves because we aren’t perfect.  We are still  loving when we make mistakes.  We are still loving when the day finds us in a bad mood.  The truth is, all of us every now and then get off track.  Life doesn’t always play out the way we had hoped it would and that alone can leave us feeling doubtful and uncertain.  That’s when it’s most important to love yourself, to recognize that you are worthy and deserving and to have faith that life’s plan is always in our best interest!  
    What a great time to really acknowledge yourself, to implement self-love and to let your light shine.  No doubt you’ve made New Year’s Resolutions.  And as you read this, a month has passed since putting your intentions into action.  How are you doing?  Are you on your way to the results you want based on the goals you’ve set?   Have you considered loving yourself – the good, the bad and the ugly as a top priority?  Have you decided to ignore that little voice inside that keeps you stuck or uncertain?  Have you decided that this is the year that no one and no activity will diminish your value to yourself and to others?  Do you recognize that you and only you can deliver who you are, your talents, your ideas, your courage, your generosity and contributions.  There is only one YOU.  
    Several years ago I read Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements.  If you haven’t, it’s a must.  His practical guide to personal freedom identifies the following agreements that assure well-being for all who choose to live by them.  They are the following:
1.    Be impeccable with your word.
2.    Don’t take anything personally.
3.    Don’t make assumptions and, lastly,
4.    Always do your best.
    I bring this up because truly loving your worthy self is your willingness to stand your ground, set boundaries and not let anyone or anything interfere with who you know you are….a beautiful individual worthy of giving and receiving love.   As this year unfolds it is my hope that you become stronger every day.  That first and foremost, you take care of yourself and acknowledge you deserve to be happy, to be recognized and appreciated by others and that you and you alone can declare without anyone else’s say so, “I love myself”.  “I am who I am and I am more than enough.”  Be blessed.
    
    

Celebrating 20 Years

When I started the journey that led to the birth of the first Women of Wisdom conference in 1993, I knew I had experienced a clear calling from the Universe that was related to my mission I had claimed several years earlier- to bring people together. I didn’t know it was to create an intimate community where women would be empowered to find their voices, to share their stories and be healed through connection with each and with the Divine Feminine. Twenty years later, I know I never could have expected those first steps to have brought me here. Every woman who has attended a conference has added the blessing of her gifts and story, whether as a participant, a creator or presenter, and it is in this organic, co-creative way that Women of Wisdom has continued to gather the strength and energy to transform our world.   

The Birth of Women Of Wisdom
The moment I received the inspiration to start WOW remains very clear for me. For two weeks in a row I had been given the message that I was supposed to be “an advocate for women” when I was experiencing a hands on energetic healing. I had also recently finished reading The Feminine Face of God by Sherry Ruth Anderson and Patricia Hopkins, an inspiring collection of stories written by women about their spiritual journeys. All of this was simmering in the back of my mind as I drove home at eleven o’clock one night. Suddenly, and it was so crystal clear, I experienced an epiphany straight from the Universe: I should bring women like these to share their stories for the speakers program at Seattle Unity Church. But the message continued on to say that rather than just one night, the sharing needed to be a weeklong conference, so that we could create a community that would support women spiritually and personally throughout the year. And that is how the first Women of Wisdom Conference came into being.

I wasn’t aware that something huge was being born until the “big day” arrived, and I found myself standing in front of the excited audience saying “Welcome to the First Annual Women of Wisdom Conference!” I looked upwards and realized that I had just received another message downloaded from the Universe. During all of the creative process and organizing that led up to that first night, I had not envisioned the conference as an ongoing, annual event. Five years later in 1998 the organization evolved even further when I founded the non-profit Women of Wisdom Foundation, which continues to guide and support the vital, life-changing experiences that have transformed and inspired women since the very first year.
    
The Women of Wisdom Conference

Over the years, Women of Wisdom has been blessed with truly extraordinary women who have brought their knowledge, insight, humor and creativity to our conference as speakers, teachers and learners; and we have intentionally cultivated an environment where everyone has the opportunity to be all three. We believe that the women (and men) who come to our conference events are integral participants in the learning and healing that takes place during presentations and workshops. Gathering together with a common spirit, in an intimate setting, everything slows down and you can focus on yourself, focus on the woman sitting in front of you, focus on your experience in relationship to Spirit and community. You become part of the powerful exchange of stories that fuels positive, fundamental shifts and awakenings not only within yourself, but on a worldwide level.  

Ceremony has also been a strong, unifying thread throughout every WOW conference.
Ceremonies create a safe, sacred space for us to affirm the value of the community and honor the Spirit and intention of our gathering. The energy created ceremonially holds the intention of the gathering. This energy is real and creates a sense of safety, purpose and cohesiveness. The ritual aspects of ceremonies, through song and intentional statements, provide a sense of comfort and familiarity. The opening ceremony sets intention, raises energy and awareness and welcomes the community. The closing ceremony brings a chance to acknowledge the effect the event has had, and provides closure for the participants.

Participating in ceremonies that honor womanhood and the Divine Feminine is a empowering new experience for many women. It is a reclaiming of and reconnection with our diverse spiritual heritages that have gathered communities of women over the centuries, and it is our hope that these experiences at the conference will continue to radiate power and strength in women’s daily lives.

One of the most powerful examples of this reclaiming process occurred at our 2000 conference, when WOW members Shawna Carol, Lorraine Bayes, and Pamela Georke united to produce a ritual theater piece titled Goddess Chant. This co-created performance involved dancers, drummers, musicians, choir, and even the audience in a joyful, celebration of the Goddess. You could feel a palpable vibration in the room, opening people’s eyes to the potential of the feminine and getting them up from their chairs to join in the praise and energy. I am very excited to write that this year Goddess Chant will return to the conference, and I know it will be as moving (literally!), emotional, and inspiring as it was when performed twelve years ago.

The WOW conference has also given artists, musicians, and writers exciting opportunities to produce and perform original pieces. Deborah Koff-Chapin’s intuitive touch drawings celebrate women’s visions and the Divine Feminine alive in our world. Her words here not only express her experience as an artist as WOW, but also the feeling of the conference as a whole:

“It feels as if Women of Wisdom exists in a timeless realm of its own. In this magical space, we generate a field of inspiration that transforms lives and reverberates throughout the region. In this atmosphere of acceptance, freedom, and creativity, we can be ourselves. And only as ourselves, can we truly offer our love and our power to Her who, in turn, helps us contribute more fully to the world.”

The Women of WisdomCommunity
Women of Wisdom was created for women to gather with each other, to become a rich tapestry of spirit and community exploring the divine feminine through our creativity and our connections to one another.

Women of Wisdom is for any woman
Who desires to connect with other women
and be inspired by the spirit that links us.
We join hands in a circle, we sing, we dance
And we lift our arms to embrace everyone in our Community.
Our sister, our daughter, our mothers, our grandmothers
And our ancestors before us.
We express the Divine Feminine, which is the spirit of women
Within all of us.  
We explore her wisdom & her many
Diverse expressions.  
We welcome all of you into our circle of Women of Wisdom.
 Kris Steinnes

The rewards I have experienced as Conference Director, and now as a Council leader, are both simple and profound. Seeing people come through the door with a smile on their face, or having an emotional breakthrough, really touch me, knowing that WOW has brought joy and healing to the women in our community. Even years later, I sometimes learn how coming to the conference has made an impact on a woman’s life. This spring I went to a conference in San Francisco, and after attending a session for mentoring young women a woman came up to me to introduce herself. She was Native American, and she came to the WOW retreats that were held down at Big Bear Lake in California for many years. She told me that those experiences had changed her life. She now belongs to a community that organizes the Native American grandmothers who are working to share their teachings. Through WOW she had made a wonderful connection to her own calling, and for me, that knowledge validates all of the hard work that we do to make those connections possible.  We both shared tears at joy of meeting each other years later.  

The Women of Wisdom Council

In 2003 I stepped down as WOW’s Executive Director and formed a new style of leadership – Circle Leadership. We formed a Council and now run the organization in a circle with equal voices, consensus voting, sharing leadership, and rotating responsibilities. It’s been a journey of exploring how that works, which involves a lot of trust. Now years later we are seeing the rewards of this work.  We’ve created a healing circle format for resolving conflicts that leads to real change through co-creating solutions where everyone’s voice is safely expressed and witnessed. We then move on to discussing the issues that are underneath the situation, and co-create policies and procedures that will help resolve the problems that have stemmed from their previous absence.

It’s very rewarding work – we come away excited, and I know that we have created something greater and more powerful than the results possible from just my voice or one person’s planning.  

What’s New for Women of Wisdom?

Now that Women of Wisdom has come to its 20th year, the WOW Council has created a new vision and mission for going forward.  We recently had a retreat and found ourselves struggling with the old paradigm of creating a vision and mission statement. I realized that we were working in a very linear process, when we strive to work in a circular model, and this was creating our difficulty. I had another “aha” moment when I looked at our logo—a circle with seven circles surrounding a triangle in the center.  I saw that the vision and mission were in the center and our values and strategies were in the outer circles.  But what made it really work was not focusing first on our vision and mission but on our values. Once we did this, everything fell into place, and it was easy to know our core center, the vision and mission at the heart of WOW.  I went to bed exhausted, and lying there realized that our minds had been drained because we had actually activated our feminine brain, which we are not used to using. We created our vision, mission, goals and values in our circular model, and did it using our feminine principles.  
 
Women of WisdomVision:  Raising the Feminine Spirit, Transforming Our World

Women of Wisdom Mission: We embody and give voice to the feminine wisdom within all to transform personal and collective consciousness through circle leadership in community.

Values and Strategies:
    Balance feminine and masculine energies
    Collaborate and partner with others in alignment with Women of Wisdom  
    Cultivate inclusive community
    Embody our individual gifts and wholeness
    Midwife the Evolutionary Shift
    Mentor strong voices as change agents for a sustainable world
    Value the inter-relatedness of all

What’s Next for Kris Steinnes?

This year marks a huge turning point in my relationship with WOW. On Saturday night during this year’s conference, I am formally stepping down as Conference Director to move into a consulting and speaking role, promoting WOW’s values and mission to draw in a wider circle of women and allies. I am also pursuing a further calling to spread WOW’s Circle Leadership model through my new business, Krysalis Leadership. Like WOW, the idea for this new endeavor immediately resonated with me on a deep level. I had been working with groups to facilitate conflict resolution, helping them strategize to agree on the values and mission of their organization. And again, the thought came to me very clearly that I could use these skills to bring the feminine into our society by changing leadership structures in the corporate world. So now I will be bringing that model of Circle Leadership to companies and organizations that are seeking alternatives to the traditional power hierarchy, and who want to resolve conflicts in a co-creative way where everyone contributes to the solution. My vision is to transform how corporate America works, to give every worker a voice, to put “a leader in every seat” so that those who are seeking positive change have channels to act on implementing those values.
    
While this transition is hard, and comes with a lot of emotion and letting go, I know it is what Spirit is calling me to do. The heartbeat of Women of Wisdom will stay strong in my life, and continue to flourish and send the light of Her message through my new work, and through WOW’s continued presence as an empowering, nurturing community for all those who want to see the Divine Feminine lead the transforming changes our world needs right now. Our world is ready!

Learn more at www.WomenofWisdom.org