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Expectation Hangover Lesson

Expectation Hangover Lessons by Christine Hassler | #AspireMag

One of the most challenging parts of an Expectation Hangover is feeling that we’ve failed, that we haven’t met the standards or goals we’ve set for ourselves — especially if we’ve poured our hearts into the attempt.

Not getting our desired outcome is one of the seemingly cruel ways the Universe teaches us the lesson that the journey of life is more important than the destination. We feel so alive in those moments when we are pouring our blood, sweat, and tears into something we believe in. We feel inspiration, enthusiasm, and passion. Those are all wonderful things to experience, and we like the feelings that accompany them. But as soon as we realize that the dream we had our heart set on did not come true, all the good feelings evaporate into an Expectation Hangover, and we find ourselves asking, “Why is this happening?”

Good question. During my own Expectation Hangovers, I have wanted to know exactly why it was happening, both so I could do something about it and so I could counteract my uncomfortable feelings of uncertainty. We think that if only we knew why something was happening, we could change it and not have to endure the Expectation Hangover.

The main reason disappointment happens is to teach us paradigm-shifting life lessons. An Expectation Hangover is a wild card that causes us to start looking within and, ultimately, to turn in a different direction. On the surface Expectation Hangovers might appear to create disharmony, but they actually have a harmonizing effect because the unexpected is what leads to innovation and novelty.

We don’t voluntarily sign up for the lessons Expectation Hangovers teach, because they threaten the things our ego clings to: control, security, and external results. Warning: the lessons I’m about to share won’t be very satisfying to your ego and won’t necessarily give you the kind of answers you desire. For now, I invite you to open your mind to understanding these lessons.

Lesson 1: Control Is an Illusion

We are great at putting time and energy into achieving the results we want. And the more effort we put in, the more we feel entitled to get the results. When our expectations are met, we feel a sense of security and accomplishment; we feel safe and on track. We expect that life will evolve according to our plan and that people will behave in a predictable way. We all love control because the unknown is downright scary. In fact, I think control has become the master addiction. But the truth is we really don’t have complete control over our lives, and nothing illuminates that truth more brightly than an Expectation Hangover.

Lesson 2: Your Comfort Zone Is a Trap

We all have a comfort zone that we have constructed based on what feels safe and manageable. In this comfort zone, we make certain choices and engage in specific behaviors that reinforce feelings of security. It feels familiar; we know all the ins and outs. Occasionally, we will take a step beyond it, but usually only if we have made a careful list of pros and cons and feel a degree of safety about our level of risk. But our comfort zone does not feel comfortable because it is healthy; it feels so cozy because it is familiar and reinforces the illusion of control.

Imagine a plant that has outgrown the pot it was planted in. What would happen? It would never grow into the plant it was destined to become unless it was replanted. Your comfort zone is like a shell of restriction, not protection. That’s why I get so excited when someone has an Expectation Hangover; I know it’s the Universe’s way of making someone uncomfortable enough to bust out of their comfort zone of limitation so they can grow into their full potential. The human experience is one of continuous evolution. Within each of us there is an evolutionary impulse to transform. We are not static beings; change is unavoidable. If we resist or fear change, an Expectation Hangover comes along to help us evolve. No matter what your circumstances, do not settle for complacency or “good enough.” You deserve and are capable of so much more.

Lesson 3: It Ain’t Out There

Perhaps you can relate to the pattern of when/then and if/then thinking: When I get that raise, then I’ll feel financially secure. When I get married, then I’ll feel worthy. When I get a little more experience, then I can start my business. If I had not been laid off, then I would not be depressed. If I lose five pounds, then I’ll feel confident. If I had not made that mistake, then I’d feel proud of myself. The number of when/thens and if/thens our ego can buy into is infinite.

Fulfillment is not something we make happen. Trying to measure up to all our internal and external expectations leaves most of us living as human doings rather than human beings. It is only when we have the courage to let go of what we expect to happen that we begin to experience the kind of fulfillment that lasts. Each Expectation Hangover is an opportunity to let go of something external that we have clung to for worth, safety, or love, and to find — inside ourselves — the experience we are looking for.

Lesson 4: You Are Not Being Punished

During an Expectation Hangover, we have a tendency to think we have done something to deserve the disappointment. We buy into the common misunderstanding that bad things happen to us to test us, or even as payback for something we did wrong. Most of us, whether consciously or unconsciously, carry around a fear that the Universe (or God, Spirit, or Higher Power) is judging us in some way. So when things don’t go our way, we believe the suffering we experience is penance. This could not be further from the truth.

The truth is that every circumstance or situation is for your Highest Good — even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. The Universe does not punish, test, or keep a list of good/bad and right/wrong behavior. You didn’t do anything wrong. You have always been doing the best you could. Really. Even if you do not totally believe this yet, begin to consider it. Beating yourself up and continuing to believe that you are being tested or punished will only perpetuate your Expectation Hangover and potentially make it worse. What appear to be tests and trials in your life are actually priceless gifts and teachings.

Keep these lessons in mind and begin looking at your life as a grand adventure that offers many opportunities to grow. When we are committed to our values but set our expectations free, we create more space for unexpected opportunities that can lead to happiness rather than a hangover.

Adapted from the book Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life ©2014 by Christine Hassler.  Published with permission of New World Library http://www.newworldlibrary.com

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About the author 

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler is the best-selling author of three books, most recently Expectation Hangover: Free Yourself From Your Past, Change your Present and Get What you Really Want. For over a decade, as a keynote speaker, retreat facilitator, spiritual psychologist and life coach, and host of the top-rated podcast “Over it and On With It”, she has been teaching and inspiring people around the world. Visit her online at www.ChristineHassler.com

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