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The Enduring Gift of Female Friendship
By Ann Leach & Michelle Beaulieu Pillen
We invite you to take a moment to remember your first childhood girlfriends. Were they neighbors or girls you met at school? Maybe you took swimming lessons together or your moms knew each other and introduced you. Maybe she was your sister or a friend you got to know through Girl Scouts. Think of them now and silently thank them. Without knowing it, they helped you form your ideas about the influence and power of female friendship, just as you helped them.
No doubt you can remember discussing with them all the unreasonable things grown-ups asked you to do: help with dishes, pull weeds, fold the laundry, clean your room, and other such outrageous demands! You complained and resisted, knowing it was more fun to be outside playing with your friends or at the movies or the mall. Your friends provided a window to a new world of possibilities. You shared all your secrets with each other. Your girlfriends energized you, comforted you when you were down, helped you forget about the tough spots in your life. They also celebrated the news of your first kiss, your birthday, and getting that date to the prom, among other highlights.
These early friends were what many of our favorite self-help authors call your “believe in you” persons. They were willing to listen and encourage you, scream and cry with you, and see you through whatever drama you were having in math class, on the playground, or at home. You remember those friends—they were the ones who sought you out in the cafeteria, hung out with you after school, or called you every night. They shared your taste in music and were willing to support whatever made-up story you told your mom about where you were going. In short, they were the ones who believed you could do anything and who knew you deserved your successes.
As we grow up, we tend to measure our friends against that original picture of what a friend is. We secretly want someone who agrees with our views, tells us we’re wonderful, and is available for fun at a moment’s notice. You know who she is: She’s the one who’s heard about your good and bad days, who knows you inside and out. She’s the friend you can’t just casually say hello to—you find you have to stop what you’re doing and share the details of your day.
While you may have a lot in common with this friend, sometimes it feels like she knows way too much about you and your foibles. For that reason, you may hesitate to tell her you’re starting a new exercise routine because she might bring up all the exercise routines you’ve blown in the past five years! Likewise, she may not be the first friend you think of when you want to share a new idea about starting your own business.
While this friend probably has your best interest at heart, she may question your choices and believe that her advice is the most viable for you. She may judge you and temper her true feelings and comments because she doesn’t want to upset you. She may be jealous of your new ideas and successes. For many of us, we learn that she may not be the friend we need in our lives right now. Enter a Goal Sister.
What’s a Goal Sister?
A Goal Sister is a blend of the best parts of your childhood and adult friends—a cherished confidante, buddy, cheerleader, muse, and guide. A Goal Sister is a woman who supports you in creating and achieving your dreams and goals. Her values and beliefs are compatible with yours. She listens to your heart’s desires. She takes a stand for you and your goals. She helps you start with the end in sight and work backwards to identify the necessary in between steps. She provides suggestions on how to make them your reality.
A Goal Sister gives you honest feedback on how your desires may be received by others and then goes about the business of assisting you in accomplishing them anyway. She validates your feelings, inspires you, and offers you a different perspective on situations that may bog down your progress. A Goal Sister gently challenges and holds you accountable to create the very best life you can imagine. And she trusts you can do it despite of, and in conjunction with, all of your other life demands.
A Goal Sister focuses on helping you achieve all your dreams, not just work goals, parenting goals, or health goals. She knows you want to strive to do your best in all ways, not just a few. A Goal Sister looks at that big picture and asks hard questions to determine where your priorities lie and how to balance them. A Goal Sister is not connected to every aspect of your life. You needn’t put a lot of energy into your Goal Sister friendship, because the boundaries of your relationship are clearly defined and respected.
Goal Sisters come from diverse backgrounds. Some are single, some are mothers, some are grandmothers. Some live near family, while some live alone. Goal Sisters have diverse life experiences. Some are artists, some clean houses for a living, some are students, some are teachers, some are retired, some work for big companies, some work out of their homes, some use their hands for a living, some use their heads for a living.
Goal Sisters yearn to achieve different professional and personal dreams. Some want to change careers, some want to lose 20 pounds, some want to be closer with their partners, some want to do more of the things they love, some want less stress in their lives. Some want to make small changes, and others want to take giant leaps.
Five Key Ingredients/Goal Sister Process
The five key ingredients of the Goal Sister process are:
- Goal Sisters give and receive ongoing emotional, information-sharing, and problem-solving support
- Goal Sisters motivate each other to take the first step, the second step, and even the two-hundredth step towards achieving their goals
- Goal Sisters use a variety of accountability strategies, including gentle nudges and pointed questions
- Goal Sisters have mutual interest and involvement in each other’s successes
- Goal Sisters incorporate fun and focus in their interactions
The Goal Sister process is invaluable:
- it gives you ongoing, in-person contact with someone who supports you in achieving your goals
- it can serve as an adjunct to other self-help programs
- it helps you maintain the success you’ve had in achieving your goals
- it enhances your other relationships
A synergy is created when you truly commit to the Goal Sister process with someone who’s as dedicated to your success as you are to hers. Conversations become more real and direct. You develop more compassion and honesty. Your mind opens to the area “outside the box” instead of just the old, familiar ways. Your other relationships may be influenced by this synergy and begin to change as well. You might develop more realistic expectations of your significant other’s role in your life. You might be inspired to revive a stale relationship. You might gain greater clarity regarding your wants and needs in your friendships. This is usually for the better, though we must admit that we ended some friendships that continually derailed us from focusing on the direction and support we wanted in our lives.
A Goal Sister can be your best friend, or you might have attended school together, or you can even find her online. For more advice and information about finding your Goal Sister(s), visit www.goalsisters.com. Excerpts from Goal Sisters, published by New World Library. ©2004 Ann Leach and Michelle Beaulieu Pillen. Reprinted with permission. www.goalsisters.com
First appeared in Apr/May 07 issue of aspire… Magazine
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