Appreciative Parenting: Imagining the Possibilities
By Kay Kimball Gruder, M.Ed.

I have several friends awaiting the birth or adoption of their second or third child. I enjoy being included in their excitement, and I also notice that many of their conversations revolve around the potential characteristics of their new arrival. Conversations range from imagining the child’s physical features to predicting his or her personality. I recall having similar conversations during my pregnancy, accompanied by feelings of total wonder and boundless anticipation.

I remember family members and colleagues asking me, “So, who do you think your baby is going to look like?” or “Do you think the baby will have your husband’s curly hair?” I would pause and uncomfortably reply with pure speculation, “Oh, I don’t know, but I guess our baby might have my husband’s dark eyes.” What strikes me now is that during my pregnancy no one ever asked me to imagine my role as a parent.

How do you envision yourself as a parent? What do you already enjoy about parenting and hope to make more prevalent? Having conversations with seasoned parents based on questions like these would have been a wonderful opportunity to develop my parenting goals from the get go. How might your parenting change if you took the time to answer the following questions?

What parenting qualities, skills, and strengths do you admire in others and wish to emulate? How do you envision applying them to your parenting?

What qualities do you want to consistently convey to your children through your parenting, and how will you measure success along the way?

What do you feel you can bring to the parenting journey and what do you want to know more about and do better?

What do you appreciate that your partner brings to the parenting journey?

What parenting twists and turns can you anticipate to avoid reactionary parenting, and what tools and strategies might you find useful during more challenging times?

What resources and supports do you have to help you when the going gets tough (because this inevitably happens)?

When do you experience the most joy when parenting and how can you bring more of that joy into your life?

When do your children most appreciate your parenting and how can you cultivate more opportunities for your parenting strengths to shine?

By answering questions like these, you can:
Discover and acknowledge your parenting strengths, which will help quiet the inner critic eager to tell you when you haven’t measured up.

Dream about your parenting goals and the family system you desire to create. This will give your thoughts and actions a constant focus.

Design your next steps and play an active role in the creation of your evolving Destiny, honoring that you are a partner in the creative process.

After reflecting on the above questions, you will likely find that your parenting journey is full of possibilities. They will arise out of your dreams as you align your decisions and actions.

Discover, Dream, Design and Destiny are the four phases of the appreciative approach to living, learning, and change. What we pay attention to is where our thoughts and actions take us. Ultimately our skills will grow along our parenting journey.

Kay Kimball Gruder, M.Ed., is also a certified parent coach through the Parent Coaching Institute and owner of www.Nextstepparentcoaching.com

First appeared in the Apr/May 07 issue of aspire… Magazine