Are you an Iron Butterfly?
by Birute Regine, EdD

Women are the answer to many of today’s problems. In an interconnected and interdependent environment, we need feminine skills to clean up the mess that, frankly, men in power have wrought. Women tend to take a holistic view of the world, see interconnections, have relational intelligence, collaborate, and empathize. These skills are keenly pertinent to our new global reality. While they may have kept women out of the mainstream in the past, such qualities are now empowering them to lead.

As women gain authority, they are transforming a deeply embedded male-based domination system that puts too much emphasis on power over others rather than on power with others. I call these important women “Iron Butterflies.” They have a will of iron and the touch of a butterfly. They are engaged in a social revolution that is hidden from plain sight.

I had the privilege of meeting and interviewing more than 50 such women for my upcoming book, Iron Butterflies: How Strong Women Transform Themselves and the World. Paradoxically, Iron Butterflies have to be strong in order to usher in this softer reality of interdependence. They show us that feminine power is a collective power, and that when women come together and support each other in the interest of making a difference, they are a powerful force the world has never seen before.

Who is an Iron Butterfly?
Iron Butterflies are revolutionary women. Personal evolution leads to social revolution. The more women are true to themselves, the more likely they are to confront injustices. All Iron Butterflies have experienced injustices; however, they chose not to become victims. Instead they transformed their vulnerabilities into new strengths.

The butterfly symbolizes transformation. Like the caterpillar that undergoes a physical transformation, Iron Butterflies go through a personal transformation, both spiritual and psychological. They reinvent themselves, often more than once, and emerge with a greater sense of themselves. Always authentic, Iron Butterflies are the same person in all contexts: a powerful presence.

Iron Butterflies do not dominate others: they heal wounds inflicted on people due to domination. Because Iron Butterflies have faced their own shadows and gone into their own tender places, they are better able to listen deeply to themselves and others. Listening deeply is a form of healing because it builds trust, and trust mends feelings of alienation. A society based on domination necessarily makes others feel less significant and isolated.

As leaders, they are also cultivators. Like butterflies that regenerate life by pollinating flowers, Iron Butterflies fertilize and pollinate the spirit. They derive pleasure from bringing out the best in others, evoking and expecting the highest self. Most of all, they are giving, generous women of candor, whose actions and energy are geared towards the common good, no matter their profession.
A butterfly flitting its wings can cause a storm thousands of miles away. This “butterfly effect” holds true in the workplace, the community, and throughout the world. In any setting, small actions that cultivate the best in people develop the potential for a huge effect. Iron Butterflies teach us that we do not need to move mountains in order to transform our world; a little cultivating can be enough.

Iron Butterflies also symbolize perseverance, like monarchs who fly 2,000 miles to their destinations. With the strength of iron, Iron Butterflies persist in the most difficult situations. They persevere in their desires to be true and to make a difference. Like butterflies, they are sensitive to shifts in the environment and both warn against and address any unhealthy, unethical changes taking place. They are whistle blowers, troublemakers, and resistors. They speak for those who cannot speak for themselves, and they won’t settle for that lame excuse, “That’s just the way it is.”

Iron Butterflies are paradoxical. They are strong because they can be vulnerable. They bring opposites together, striking a dynamic balance between their masculine and feminine sides, practicality and spirituality, flexibility and order, assertiveness and empathy, and outrage and sadness. A masculine side enables them to survive macho environments, but their feminine virtues balance out their often male-dominated environments, allowing for cultural transformation. They counteract a linear, reductionist approach with an embracing, holistic perspective. They improve upon analytic skills by trusting to intuition, and blend hard-nosed detachment with empathy.     

Iron Butterflies are strong. They stand up for themselves because they know they are worth it. They are strong in their openness, and are willing to be influenced by others, so as to invite different points of view. Their wings stir fields of resonance and encircle dissonance. They are strong because they take their place while also making room for others. Not afraid to be outrageously honest, they also admit if they are wrong. They show us the difference between being strong and being hard. And they are fun. They have a great sense of humor, a full body, bawdy laugh, and sometimes they like to swear. 

Iron Butterflies show us how to be strong women and effective agents of change so that we can all participate in social transformation and working towards a world of cooperation, not domination. Other changes include valuing stereotypically feminine work, such as care giving, rather than taking it for granted; ensuring that a women’s perspective is equally heard; and respecting feminine power, such as nurturing relationships and cultivating connections among people. When women have more opportunities to lead and men are relieved of the privilege of decision-making, we can discover a new synergy between men and women.

Mutuality, Vulnerability, and Love
Iron Butterflies are engaged in a radical and simple act¾they are transforming how people relate to each other at work. Although Iron Butterflies are often in hierarchical organizations in which power is not equal, they treat people not as subordinates, but as partners with mutual interests and needs. One way to establish mutuality is by accepting and allowing vulnerability and renouncing its “taboo” status.

Vulnerability lets the heart fall open. We think of vulnerability as a shameful weakness or a dangerous exposure. It’s true that in our society, which reveres aggression, vulnerability can be exploited. But when we let ourselves be vulnerable, we also create an opportunity to strengthen our connections with others. We are all vulnerable¾this is the common ground of humanity. It’s what makes us more alike than different. Allowing vulnerabilities evokes our humanity and invites the opportunity to laugh, live, and love together.

How does this look in action? Linda Rusch, vice president of Nursing at Hunderton Medical Center in New Jersey, is a very successful Iron Butterfly. While most medical environments are marked by a shortage of nurses, with most new nurses leaving after two years, Rusch has a retention rate of 98 percent. She is obviously doing something right.

The relationship between doctors and nurses is hierarchical and can be problematic. Nurses today are no longer inspired by the “almighty doctor and handmaiden nurse” interaction. Rusch works to transform these roles into a more mutual working relationship, especially since both play equally vital roles in healing. In this story, a nurse complained to Rusch about a doctor’s abusive behavior towards her. Rusch shows how vulnerability evokes humor, creates mutuality, and ultimately becomes an act of love.

“Most people love this physician, but he can also be intimidating and nasty. I didn’t believe that’s who he was in his core. I wanted to talk to him about this incident with a nurse. He knew he was in hot water and kind of avoided me. He left a message on my machine saying, ‘Just want to report to you that one of your nurses intimidated me and so I’m calling you as the hotline number.’ He knew it was the other way around. I appreciated that he was using a little bit of humor to acknowledge that what he was doing was wrong. I could have let it go. Instead I wrote him a handwritten letter, asking if he would be willing to have a cup of coffee with me. I didn’t know if he was going to follow up.

“He scheduled an appointment to see me and came into my office with a cup of coffee for me. I decided beforehand that I was not going to talk about the incident with the nurse. I wanted to talk to him on a totally different level. I wanted to talk to him from a place of love.

“I said, ‘I care about you. I don’t like the way you are coming across. I know that’s not who you really are.’ He said, ‘You have no idea where I came from. I came from the ghetto. I grew up on the streets. I know I intimidate people. You learn to do that. I know I have this half-empty glass attitude, that it’s never enough with the nurses.’

“I said to him, ‘I want you to be successful. I want people to love working with you because I know that’s who you are. I think it’s when you get stressed out that you become nasty. But we can learn to deal with the stress.’ And it worked. Speaking to the best in him, I could see his behavior changing. I created trust with him by making myself vulnerable, by saying, ‘I care about you.’ And I do.

“Vulnerability is a power. It’s letting yourself feel the love and be in the love. That feeling is this incredible connectedness with other human beings at that very moment. When you are heard and validated, that’s a powerful interchange. It’s about being authentic and having this dance go on between you and the other person, so you can really understand what the other is feeling and thinking. It’s like a rhythm. You feel in sync, energized, peaceful, and content.”

Often we think that if we express our vulnerability it will alienate us. But when we take a risk and let the heart fall open, we find that instead of being abandoned or diminished, we face the opposite; we have deepened our connection to each other. We have invited love, an echo that is endless.

Birute Regine EdD, co-author of Weaving Complexity and Business: Engaging the Soul at Work and author of the soon-to-be-published Iron Butterflies: How Strong Women are Transforming Themselves and the World, is a developmental psychologist from Harvard University, a psychotherapist for 25 years, a visiting scholar at Wellesley College’s Research Center on Women, a workshop facilitator, business consultant, and public speaker.
Visit www.IronButterflies.com

First appeared in aspire… Magazine Apr/May 2007