When I first met Angela and told her I could help her learn to love and accept herself and her body again, she was skeptical. She flat out didn’t think it would work. “You don’t understand,” she informed me. “There is no single body part that I actually like. I hate everything I see when I look in the mirror.”
As much as that made me want to cry, I could relate. I too had once hated the woman in the mirror. I too once saw only flaws on nature’s design. I couldn’t imagine looking in the mirror and not picking apart at myself, not loathing what I saw there. After all, I had suffered with anorexia nervosa for over 20 years by the time I admitted I had a problem. But I did it. I was able to transform my relationship with the woman in the mirror, able to go from Body Shame to Body Love, self-loathing to self-love.
It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t an overnight transformation. It took about year and a half. I would take two steps forward, followed by what seemed like a gillion steps back. But over time, I began to notice changes in the way I related to the woman in the mirror. Some days I still picked at my perceived flaws; but some days I actually smiled at myself. And on rare occasions, I actually thought I looked beautiful.
How did I do it? It was a process of trial and error. I was my own guinea pig. As an academic and researcher by training, I had already been studying factors that affect body image for over 15 years when I embarked on a journey to heal my own relationship with food, my body, and myself. I had read the research on what worked and what didn’t, conducted much of it myself, but I didn’t really know if it would work for me. Sometimes what looks good on paper doesn’t actually work very well in real life. I knew this going in; I knew everything I had researched might or might not actually work. But I had to try it anyway; my life depended on it.
In my year-and-a-half long journey, I would falter, but there were 7 steps that I kept coming back to. These steps became crucial parts of my healing toolkit. I share these sacred steps with you in the hopes that wherever you are in your healing journey, you might find one of them helpful.
1. Stop the Comparison Game – I used to be a Comparison Queen. I would judge my success or failure in just about every area of my life by seeing how I stacked up to everyone else. When it comes to body image, in a world filled with Supermodels and Photoshop, this is a losing battle. What I had to come to terms with was this: I am me. I have my own unique and special talents and gifts – and being a Supermodel isn’t one of them. And that’s okay. It does me – or you – no good to keep comparing yourself to other people who you perceive are somehow ‘better’ than you. By doing that, you’re just sending yourself the message that you’re not good enough and you never will be. So stop it. You’ve got to get out of that mindset to both learn to love yourself and to manifest your dream life.
2. Figure Out Who You Are and Who You Are Not – You were sent here for a purpose – your unique purpose. If you don’t know what that is, then go through all of your roles in life – how you spend your days and nights. What feels like “you” and what feels like drudgery, or is downright painful? What do you enjoy do-ing and what do you not enjoy? What makes you shine? What fills you will passion and makes you feel alive?
3. Get Comfortable in Your Own Skin Again – if you’ve been comparing yourself to everybody else, it’s pretty likely that you’re not happy with the woman in the mirror. It’s time to change that; it’s time to learn to love and accept you for who you are. There are many ways to do this and I could write an entire article (or three) on this topic. When I started my healing journey, I began a daily process of exploring my senses. First thing in the morning before I even got out of bed, I would pick a sense and explore it with the curiosity of a child. What do I smell? Is that coffee? My man lying next to me? Doggy breath near my face? What do I hear? The shower running? The birds chirping? A plane flying overhead? I then expressed gratitude for my senses and my body’s ability to allow me to enjoy this beauty-full world we live in.
4. Figure Out What You Need and What You Want – you’ve already figured out who you are and what makes you “you.” Now I want to go back and revisit step 2. Only this time, I want you to come at it from a place of, “What is it that I really want out of life? What’s truly important to me?” What do you need to be happy? Are you getting those needs met? If not, look in the mirror. It’s your job to make sure you’re getting your needs met. If something is not adding up, it’s time to take aligned action steps to transform that part of your life.
5. Heal Your Self-Worth Issues – if you’re comparing yourself to everybody else, and feeling like you’re not measuring up, of course your self-worth is taking a hit somewhere. Trust me on this one: it’s nearly impossible to love and accept yourself when you don’t think you’re good enough just as you are. You’ve got to dive deep, go in and heal that inner critic and your enoughness issues. Heal that sense that you’re just not worthy as you are.
6. Integrate Self-Love and Body Love Into Your Daily Life – After you’ve done the healing work and after you figure out what you need and want, it’s time to go out there and get it. I know this step may seem overwhelming. Start small. Think baby steps. Do one thing each day for you. One thing to meet your needs. One thing to go after your dreams. One thing that will, if you do it consistently over time, change your life.
7. Be Grateful For What You Have – Over two decades ago I started a daily practice where I made myself write down at least 10 things I was grateful for every night before I went to bed. I made sure to include something about myself and/or my body on that list. Some days this seemed an almost impossible feat. After all, when I started this practice I was spending most of my days (and nights) doubled over in the floor in pain from my endometriosis. But I persevered and wrote down whatever I could think of – even the small things like someone opening the door for me or finding a penny on the sidewalk or the fact that I hurt less today than I did yesterday. Gratitude crafts appreciation and acceptance. Appreciation and acceptance breed love.
I hope you find these sacred steps as helpful as I did. I wish you luck wherever you are on your healing journey.
