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The 7 Misconceptions about Forgiveness and How They Are Holding You Back from True Happiness

The 7 Misconceptions about Forgiveness and How They Are Holding You Back from True Happiness by Shannon Elhart | #AspireMag

I consider it the most important life lesson.  It’s also the one that people most often resist.  I’ve worked with hundreds of clients, and it’s remarkable how everyone will want to walk away when it comes to forgiveness.

It’s understandable.  Rarely is anyone taught how to forgive.  And even rarer yet is anyone shown how wonderful the process can be.

I began exploring forgiveness for two reasons: to forgive myself for many shames and regrets, especially with decisions I made around alcohol, and to forgive my rapist twenty years after he held me down on a fraternity floor and stole my sense of self.

Honestly, I had selfish reasons to forgive (at least, at the time I thought they were selfish).  I wanted to love myself fully, I wanted to be stronger and make better choices, I wanted the confidence to create the life I dreamed of, I wanted to stop fantasizing about hurting the man who raped me, and I wanted to enjoy sex again.

As I worked through forgiving myself and others, and even asking for forgiveness from a few people, my life and heart opened.  There was an amazing, unexpected result of freedom – from negative mind chatter, from fearful patterns, and from hidden anger.

The results I felt in body, mind, and spirit, encouraged me to bring this to my clients.  But most of them started making excuses to miss appointments and move on to a different topic.  And that’s when I realized not everyone is as determined to forgive as I was, and I was curious as to why.

I wanted to figure out what stopped them from learning how because I knew it would also bless their lives.  What I found were these seven misconceptions about forgiveness:

1)  Forgiveness is not done for the other person… it’s done for you.

When you really forgive someone you will feel it in your core.  If you’re forgiving yourself, that will be even deeper.  If you’re forgiving another person, perhaps they feel a shift also – a lightness in their being, perhaps?  Although their lightness isn’t your goal, if they do feel it – that’s good for them and for the world.

2)  Forgiveness is not giving up your power… it’s claiming it.

Let’s face it – we have very little control over life.  Life unfolds in mysterious ways for each of us.  Holding resentments does not give you power, it steals it because the person you’re resenting still has a hold on you.  You reclaim your personal power when you leave the past behind.

3)  Forgiveness is not weakness… it is strength.

Forgiving takes strength and it creates a hero within you because you’re free from the grips of the past.  When we live from the past – feeling angry or fearful due to events that occurred week or years ago – we victimize ourselves and limit our joy.

4)  Forgiveness is not condoning someone’s behavior… it’s choosing your own.

You will never be able to control anyone else’s behavior.  Forgiving someone does not say ‘it’s okay that you hurt me.‘  It’s saying ‘I’m not going to continue letting you hurt me by holding on to what you chose to do in the past.

5)  Forgiveness is not an emotion… it’s a choice and an action.

You won’t feel the effects until you choose and forgive.  Then what you’ll feel is a sense of freedom in your soul, you’ll wish you’d done it a long time ago!

6)  Forgiveness does not mean that you forget or even respect the person… but it helps you remember and respect yourself.

You do not have to become friends with the person you’re forgiving.  Even if that person is your sister.  You certainly do not even need to have tea with or have a conversation with the person you forgive.  You might never trust or even respect that person again.  You can still choose to forgive and treat the person with respectful actions.

7)  Forgiveness does not have to be shared with anyone… it’s a personal decision that can be kept to yourself if that feels more comfortable.

There is no need for you to speak with anyone about the forgiveness work you do.  The other person doesn’t even have to know – in fact, telling them might be impossible (they could be dead or unreachable), might be uncomfortable, or it might cause more issues or pain.  If you want – speak from your heart through prayer or even during meditation, or choose to share with a trusted friend who supports your choice to forgive.

In the end, I found my reasons for forgiveness were not selfish at all.  They were self-full.  As I learned and practiced forgiveness, I became more authentic, kind, loving, and free.  That inner freedom allows me to be a source of good in our world.

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About the author 

Shannon Elhart

Shannon Elhart is a life coach, author, and speaker who teaches mindfulness and happiness. Her signature program Happiness of You™ and her monologue and workshop on healing your past, FIERCE monologue™ guide people to mindfully let go of their past and live happily in the Now.

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