How do you feel about the holidays? Do they bring up pleasant memories of decorating and baking cookies? Or do they bring up bad feelings of conflict and expectation, yours or other people’s? Do you find that your holiday experience just doesn’t measure up to the picture perfect images you’ve seen on TV or on social media?
In my family, the holidays were definitely a special time. As a child I always looked forward to Christmas Day, but over the years my feelings changed. For most of my life, I was excited about the day itself. I experienced the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas as a slow and sometimes excruciating buildup until the big day, when all my hopes and wishes came true and I could enjoy my new toys. Or clothes. As I got older Santa gave me clothes, along with a gigantic Swatch clock he delivered in 1988… which I still have!
As an adult, the holidays became more of a hassle than a wish-fulfilling experience. Then my father passed away in 2003. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with the holiday after his passing, or how to feel about it, so for a few years it was just another day. At least I could take the day off.
Then one day, in 2008, I decided to take a different approach. I went shopping that day and, feeling free and expansive, I decided to put up a Christmas tree.
I bought a small tree and all the accoutrements to go with it. And 8 years later we have a second tree and many more items – many of them glittery – to light it up. I also retrieved the still-working music box from my childhood.
I decorate the entire house. I even have special towels for the bathroom and kitchen.
Somehow I changed from being blasé about the holidays to yay, another opportunity to use my reindeer spatulas! How did I do it? If you’re struggling with feeling happy and joyful during the holidays or finding ways to experience them that works for you, here are a few things that may help:
Focus on how you want to feel. I focus on the positive things and how I want to experience the season. I love seeing the lights on the trees and the buildings and savoring the colorful displays in the stores. I often go to the stores just to feel the holiday energy, not necessarily to shop. I enjoy the magical feel of the lights and the decor because I like to feel magical during the season and all year long.
So ask yourself how YOU want to feel? You have a choice. The holidays may be fraught with all kinds of bad feelings about loss and family dysfunction, but you have an opportunity now to decide how you want to feel this season, and going forward.
Create something new. When I grew weary of hearing the overplayed holiday music years ago, I started listening to songs from a CD I fell in love with at a party. And over time, that music became my holiday music. I also listen to a Jazz Holidays station on Pandora. It plays a lot of tunes from the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack. I watched that cartoon growing-up, so it’s a perfect combination of nostalgia and jazz – my favorite form of music.
Is there something you enjoyed in your past that you can bring into your life now? If not, is there a new tradition or ritual that you can create?
Let go of perfectionism. You don’t have to go to every event, or visit every friend or family member, or buy the perfect gifts for everyone. When you put pressure on yourself and you don’t get everything done, that can trigger the holiday blues and increase your stress levels. Go at your own pace and do only the things you want to do and have the time and space to do. And let go of the idea that if you don’t do everything, you’ll let someone down.
I decided long ago that I would only go to the events I wanted to go to, and while I do buy gifts for some people, it doesn’t have to be the best gift ever. Sometimes it really is the thought that counts.
Don’t compare yourself to others. While you’re scrolling through your social media feed or listening to chatter at work, it’s easy to assume everyone’s having a great time and loving every minute. But it’s a setup for misery. Avoid comparing your insides to other people’s outsides. There’s no need to feel bad about your circumstances when you have no idea what’s really going on in the lives of other people.
Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on gratitude. Do you get time off from work? Are there people you enjoy spending time with? Is it snowing outside? (You’re so lucky)
The holidays come only once a year, so I choose to enjoy the time instead of rushing to this thing or that one or worrying about bringing the best hors d’oeuvres to a party. And most of all I choose to not box myself in and expect the holidays to be a certain way. That creates stress I don’t want.
You can make the same choices, because you have the power to define what your holiday experience will be. And you can decide how you want to feel.
