I have spent the past month doing research and interviewing women, collecting data for an online course I am producing. I am so grateful to all the women that shared the circumstances of their divorces. I was so touched by their stories. I know their pain and the overwhelming feeling of being devastated.
Most of them had experienced a heart-breaking betrayal or abusive treatment. Each one started to cry when they recounted the circumstances of their divorce. Even though it may have been years, their pain surfaced quickly. Each one of them was so honest about their fear of living their life alone, some for the very first time. Several expressed it felt like being kicked to the curb, just being disposed of.
Some are still struggling with trying to forgive their cheating husbands. There was still a lot of anger towards their husband for breaking the family apart. Out of the second more specific criteria group I interviewed, only one had established a new relationship. Not only were they broken-hearted buy were still reluctant to start dating. They didn’t want to leave themselves open for any more disappointment. Underneath it all there were definite trust issues remaining.
This confirms how slow the recovery process is for women who truly loved their husbands. Even if they asked for the divorce, it did not diminish the loss they felt afterwards. Not to mention the drastic life style changes that occurred.
Allow yourself to feel the loss you have experienced. Many women describe it like it is a death. In fact, it is. It is the death of your expectations on how you were going to live your life. Your life has been turned upside down. The women I spoke to still felt discomfort but when I encouraged them to speak about it they were not afraid to express it.
I proposed an experiment of redefining the divorce experience and to uncover the courage they had to go through it. To tap into their survivor mode rather than being the victim. I gave them three mindful questions which would extract positive responses from an otherwise devastating situation. I could hear in their voices that their answers started to shift them energetically almost immediately.
- List the two most positive things to come out of your marriage? Here are some of the replies.
- Kids
- Good organizational skills
- Courage to leave
- Advocated for herself and her children.
- What are you proud of that have you accomplished since your divorce?
- Recognized a need for more education
- Started working with a coach
- Created a financial budget and started real fiscal responsibility
- Stepped into a new career with higher pay
- How do you feel about the potential of your future?
- Optimistic
- Hoping to find a new partner
- Wanted to get better jobs/careers
- Realize they did all they could in their marriage- releasing the guilt and feeling of being a failure.
- Going to start doing more things for themselves.
What all of this proved to me is that these women are very resilient. If they are given the right tools, education and support, they are willing to start over.
Let’s talk about those tools and what are the most important ones?
The primary concern following a divorce is financial. You are now in charge of the money. It is so important to know where you spend money and what you don’t need to spend it on. Becoming fiscally responsible early on will give you a strong foundation to start building a new life. You need checking and a savings account. Try to limit yourself to one credit card to use so you can build a good credit score which is most important.
Housing may become an issue. You will absolutely need a good credit score to obtain a rental home or to get a mortgage so you could buy a new home. They also look at debt ratios. If your total debt is higher than 36% of your income, you may not qualify for housing.
Building a new career is easier today than it used to be. You have unlimited access to online training in almost any field you are passionate about. Education has never been more affordable. Maybe you just need a little brushing up on computer skills? There is endless free training on YouTube or you could get specific classes on Lynda.com for a very reasonable fee.
The man thing is the least important. Once you have your life stabilized and you are becoming financially independent, your attraction factor will be much stronger. The old days of finding a man with money to take care of you are history. Men want women who have their act together.
The more independent you are, the hotter you are!
Financial stability will help you create stronger beliefs and perceptions about your ability to take care of yourself. It will enhance your self-worth dramatically which will impact all areas of your life in the most magnificent ways. You not able to start a new relationship if you don’t feel really good about yourself.
Getting back up from the devastation of divorce takes resilience. It takes courage. Women are so much more powerful than they have ever been taught. Once you tap into an inkling of that survival mode, the adrenalin starts flowing. It acts as the first wave to carry you through rough seas. Yes, you will get bounced around. You might even swallow a little bit of the sea water but all the while remaining afloat. As new winds fill your sails, you begin to realize you are the courageous captain of your own ship.
Blessings to you on your new voyage!
